


.death becomes him.

by ObliqueOptimism



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Amputee Klaus Hargreeves, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Homeless War Vet Dave, Hurt Klaus Hargreeves, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Unreliable Narrator, modern dave, undead characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:07:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObliqueOptimism/pseuds/ObliqueOptimism
Summary: Klaus was held together with duct tape and staples and thread.
Relationships: Dave/Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 321
Kudos: 694





	1. some say death is only the beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The God Of Broken Things](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24770884) by [hujwernoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hujwernoo/pseuds/hujwernoo). 



> y'all i can't explain how i came up with all of this. it started off with an idea penn had and wrote and i thought i'd do my own version and its very different than her's and then suddenly dave was there and then suddenly there was a new twist and honestly this was all a surprise to me (if y'all don't like the idea of someone alive dating someone who is dead don't read this? which considering how often i write like, alive klaus and ghost dave? y'all chill with it? who knows).

He’s dead dead dead

Dead.

All dead jokes are open, open mic night (all night, every night), and yet it was always him making the jokes.

And Ben never laughed at them. He didn’t find them as funny. Probably because he didn’t get to keep his body like Klaus did. No, he haunted Klaus while Klaus? _Also_ haunted Klaus.

Funny little world.

He stapled his stab wound closed and wondered if they sold rainbow colored medical staples. Get some color to his drab, corpse white skin. It was all the rage, babe, looking like you never got sun. He did carry around a bag of makeup, keeping it applied as best he could so he could look like he had _some_ color. Blush? The best. Who knew rosey cheeks could be so hard to acquire.

“How do I look?” Klaus finished stapling his side together and gave a little spin, careful of his leg as he did so. 

“Like a corpse,” Ben looked unamused.

Klaus stuck out his tongue, “Don’t be rude, Benny.”

Ben tilted his head, looking Klaus up and down as he spun once more, “Like a cheap whore.”

“Much better! Wasn’t so hard now was it?” Klaus _tsked_ his brother. 

“You should probably find clothes that cover,” Ben gestured to his chest, “ _more skin_ before going to the funeral.”

Klaus looked down at his bare chest. He’d taken his shirt off to staple his stab wound closed again. The staples lasted a while but they always came out and left small holes. Maybe he could buy some fun duct tape. Claim it was a fashion statement. Or just glue it. Superglue should hold him, right?

_Hm. Sparkly thread stitched along his body._

He’d died about a year ago.

An overdose.

No ambulance to come and save the day.

Ben had cried. Klaus had died.

Then Klaus kind of just

got back into his body.

It _did_ fit him like a glove.

In theory he could leave it and go ghost like Ben, but he did rather enjoy having a body. Even though he couldn’t take drugs anymore. _Well,_ he could, he just couldn’t get high from them. Honestly the worst part of death was how he was permasober.

So he’d go ghost when his body finally gave out on him and he could just leave it in the dumpster where it belonged. Maybe for shits and giggles he’d go back to the alley he’d died in and leave it there. 

_Oh,_ but he was about to go to a funeral. 

Should he have one? During the family meeting that was _bound_ to happen, just explain to them all he had died, _RIP him_ , no need to put flowers at his graveside just hand them over. Ask if they wanted to hold a second, fun, funeral. A _fun_ eral. Ha! He’d even donate his body to the cause.

He’d already lost a leg. Running from the police and then suddenly it was stuck and mangled and the police ran past him and he had to kind of 

Cut it off

~~not like it hurt to do so~~

So maybe it was time to upgrade to the next level. No body, no crime and all that jazz. No more need for his prosthetic leg, or to hoard all the other prosthetics he had picked up over the year. As soon as he realized he may need them (GOOD BYE he waved to his leg as he watched a dog eat it) he started a little collection. 

He did know many dead people who were just as homeless as he was with prosthetics. Not that he stole from them when they were alive! But dead? Sure! Not like they needed them anymore. 

_“You still have your arm,” Kenny had reprimanded._

_“Yes,” Klaus had agreed, “but for how long?”_

They also had a local prosthetics manufacturer with locks that were astoundingly easy to pick. 

Looking down at his leg he wondered if he should also try to hide it more, wear something that would make it look like he had both of his actual legs. Either way, he had to head to his home sweet home and get a better shirt. Not that he wanted to necessarily hide the fact that he died of his own stupidity (couldn’t he have gotten murdered?! that would have been fun!) but he also didn’t want to shove it into his family’s face that he was a corpse now.

“Honey! I’m home!” Klaus said loudly, the little alley he had been calling home for about two weeks now seemed more welcoming than usual. Maybe because Dave was there.

Dave always made it a bit better.

“Thought you were heading to the Academy?” Dave commented with a small smile. 

_“Well_ my chest staples got caught and then fell out and had to fix that then Ben pointed out maybe I shouldn’t wear a mesh shirt not just because them staples keep snagging but maybe hide the whole dead thing? In any case, I’m here for clothes.” Klaus and Dave had become fast friends in the last ten months. Klaus wished he knew him when he was alive because he thought he loved Dave but Klaus was dead and that sucked balls in a not so fun way. 

They flirted often, Dave said he loved Klaus, but Klaus knew better. He couldn’t love a literal corpse. Not that they’ve done anything remotely sexual, what with the maybe-necrophilia issue; but they have gotten very close. _Intimate_ , but only romantically. 

“Actually,” Klaus held up a shirt and turned to Dave, “you could probably come with me.” Dave opened his mouth to argue but Klaus cut him off, “No, listen! The house has food and multiple bathtubs and beds. _Noah Fence_ is my friend and all and he should be yours when I say: you could do with a wash and good night sleep. Eat the food I won’t, sleep in my bed. I won’t. We know this.”

“It’s your dad’s funeral,” Dave commented. “I can’t crash his funeral.”

“It could be mine too! You’re invited to mine,” Klaus gave a wink. Dave raised an eyebrow, very used to the death jokes. He took them a bit better than Ben usually did. Because Dave was still alive? Because they met after his death? Klaus wasn’t sure. 

“I don’t know Klaus--” Dave hedged, clearly wanting to eat warm food, take a bath, sleep in a bed.

Klaus knew it wouldn’t take much, “We could pretend we’re boyfriends! Or getting married! Let’s find some rings, David. They can’t turn you away if we’re gonna get married. And then they won’t question why you’re sleeping in my room and not one of the _many_ other rooms! It’s perfect. You proposed to me in a graveyard under a full moon-- no, no one will believe that, I’d have to die to go into a graveyard. _Ha!_ ”

Dave’s eyebrows shot up, “You want to pretend we’re engaged?”

Klaus shrugged, “It’ll be fun.”

Dave didn’t need any more convincing. 

They decided Dave would distract the employee at the pawn shop while Klaus stole them some rings. He had more practice at stealing and not getting caught.

“I also got me this nice skirt!” Klaus said, showing it off to Dave and Ben as they walked towards the Academy. “It would look stunning with some heels. Alas, this fake foot of mine isn’t great for heels. Think I could risk a kitten heel?”

“You don’t want to fall and break your face again,” Ben replied.

Klaus pouted, “You’re no fun Ben. What’s _life_ without a little risk?”

“ _Death_ , and you’re dead, Klaus. Don’t risk a broken jaw. You’d miss your voice too much,” Ben rolled his eyes.

Klaus huffed, annoyed. He really shouldn’t risk a broken jaw. No healing from that. And he knew he talked a lot, but he had to drown out all the other dead _somehow_ as drugs were no longer an option. 

“We should find you a leg that will let you walk in heels,” Dave said after it seemed as if Klaus was done talking to Ben. Dave was kind like that, often pausing and waiting a few moments in case Ben had something to say. Dave said he didn’t like talking over him, that it was rude. Ben had said right away how he approved of Dave now. Klaus had been too busy being stunned that someone believed him about Ben.

After Klaus showed off his new skirt, they put their rings on. Dave had asked to see both of them and then actually got down on one knee and proposed to Klaus on the street.

If Klaus could still blush he probably would have.

He wanted to hold hands with Dave as they walked, have their rings clink together, but he knew Dave wouldn’t want to hold his hand. His skin was chilled, obviously dead. At least when he didn’t touch Dave, it was easier for them to pretend he was alive. Not the best, what with the injuries that would never heal, but _easier_. 

Klaus tried to make sure he never touched Dave, not even casual touches.

He missed casual touches, he missed being touched in general, he missed sex. 

There were times that Klaus just wanted held, to feel safe for once, but he knew he couldn’t ask that of Dave. Sometimes, _sometimes_ , Dave reached out. He’d wrap Klaus in a tight hug and hold on tight. If he knew it was coming, and he knew he couldn’t talk Dave out of it, Klaus tried to make sure there was a blanket between them, so that Dave didn’t have to touch his corpse.

Dave never liked it when Klaus referred to himself as a corpse.

And then Dave reached out and grabbed Klaus’s hand, sending him a small smile. 

Ben made fake retching noises.

They arrived still holding hands and Klaus wondered if he should knock or walk right in. What was customary when you hadn’t been home in 13 years or so? He settled for knocking twice and then letting them in. 

“Now that daddy is dead, _do not rest in peace_ \-- or do? If he does rest in peace does that mean he won’t haunt me? Or if he isn’t resting in peace does that mean he’s in hell?” Klaus wondered before shaking his head, trying to get back on track. “Now that he’s _gone_ , Dave! We could totally squat here! For a while at least. And loot it! _Oh shit_ am I going to get an inheritance? Dave, we don’t have to live in the alley anymore.”

Neither Dave nor Ben questioned why Klaus was including Dave in his plans.

_They were engaged after all._

“Klaus?” Allison’s voice came from the top of the stairs. She started walking down, a smile on her face, “You look--” she looked him over, not seeming to notice that half of his leg was gone as she didn’t stare. Klaus had found people tended to stare. “You look good?” She made a hesitant decision on how he looked, but Klaus got it. He was a corpse after all. She then turned her gaze to Dave, “And who is this?”

“Allison, meet Dave, _my fiancé_ ,” Klaus sing-songed. 

Allison squealed, “Show me the ring!”

Klaus held up his hand and she reached out for it. 

Not good.

She’d know she’d know she’d know

He’s dead dead dead

Dead.

He didn’t want them to know 

Not yet anyway

She’d touch his hand and it would be cold and _she’d know_

And then Dave reached out, entwined their fingers together, brought Klaus’s _dead hand_ to his lips and gave his knuckles a kiss.

Klaus really hoped his confusion as to _what why how what huh why what_ didn’t show on his face as Dave did a very normal thing for a fiancé to do. He couldn’t have any of them question the validity of their relationship.

_Oh god_ Dave would have to hold his hand and cuddle with him because Klaus was a tactile person before his death and his siblings would expect that. As soon as they could he needed to take Dave aside and either prepare him for that-- Klaus could go put more clothes on so it's a little more comfortable for Dave, or they’d have to tell Allison it was a fake engagement and that they were both homeless and he invited Dave so he could have a nice place to sleep for the night and then they’d call him a liar like always and they wouldn’t trust him and they would hate him and--

It’s a good thing Klaus no longer needed to breathe.

Not that not having to breathe stopped panic attacks.

He came out of his spiral of thoughts with Dave standing in front of him, coaching him through as he sometimes did. With all the ghosts and the fact he was dead dead dead along with normal nightmares and ptsd from Reggie and being a homeless drug addict, panic attacks were not new and Dave had been a godsend.

Klaus also helped Dave through some of his own panic attacks. His were always about the war.

_There really were a lot of homeless war vets._

Klaus smiled at Dave, letting him know he was okay. Dave leaned in and kissed Klaus on the temple, which wasn’t helping him not spiral again. 

“What was that?” Allison asked, tone taken aback.

“It was a panic attack,” Dave said, wrapping an arm around Klaus’s shoulders. 

“And why would he have one out of nowhere?” Allison’s voice changed to accusatory, as if Dave was to blame for Klaus’s panic even though he was the one who calmed him down.

Dave glanced at him and Klaus didn’t have an answer for his sister, not without explaining that he was dead dead dead so Dave gave a small nod, “Being back in the house he was abused in while sober is a bit hard.”

“Did you just imply that Klaus is sober?” Diego asked, appearing from another room. 

“A year now,” Klaus confirmed, shooting a blinding smile towards Diego.

“Bullshit,” Diego spat out. “You expect me to believe it?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” Dave asked, looking all sweet and innocent, as if the idea of someone _not_ believing Klaus was a wild idea. But Klaus knew better, he knew that this family wouldn’t believe it easily. And truthfully, if drugs could still affect him he probably wouldn’t be sober. But the way Dave asked, it was as if he expected his siblings to trust him. To think that he could be sober without dying first.

Ha!

Don’t make him laugh!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Klaus didn’t like the look both Allison and Diego were giving him and Dave so Klaus quickly grabbed Dave’s hand and started pulling him up the stairs, “Well I want to show my fiancé my room so we shall retire for the moment! Ta-ta my lovelies, let me know when Luther wants to do a stupid family meeting!” He waved and gave a big fake smile.

Once they were in his room he closed the door firmly. Dave was already lounging on the bed and digging under the mattress.

“As if I’d had anything under the mattress. There were seven of us, Dave. Plus dad being nosey. I had much better hiding spots,” Klaus sat down near Dave’s feet. He picked up his unicorn stuffed animal, which was a _way_ better hiding spot than under his mattress and hugged it to his chest. 

Dave’s feet sat in his lap.

“Well I think the first meeting went okay,” Dave commented with a shrug.

Klaus raised an eyebrow at Dave. _Went okay_? Was he there at all? He’d had a panic attack. He should say so, bring that up and ask how that meant it went okay; but instead he said, “You kissed me on the temple.”

Dave gave a noise of approval. Holding up his left hand, he showed off the ring, “We’re engaged, Klaus.”

“I’m dead, Dave,” Klaus replied in the same tone. “We don’t get a til death do us part.”

Dave snorted, a small smile playing at his lips, “Well no shit. If I had died first I would have haunted your ass. Neither of us are getting out of marriage that easily. Death is no excuse, nuptials still going ahead.”

Klaus rolled his eyes, feeling calmer, just the two of them (Ben wandered off, probably to spy on the others), “Fake married. We’re getting fake married, Dave.”

Dave shrugged, “Does this mean I can’t dote on my fake fiancé? Klaus, I can’t take on Diego when he decides I’m not good enough for you. He has a _bajillion_ knives. _Luther I could_. I’d take him. I’m not afraid of Number One. _Watch me._ ”

Klaus laughed, finding himself smiling happy at his best friend.

He wished they weren’t fake engaged but real engaged.

“I’m sorry that you have to hold my hand and kiss my temple,” Klaus sighed, patting Dave’s shoe. 

“And _why_ are you sorry?” Dave tilted his head up more so he could really look at Klaus. He didn’t take his feet away, instead he jabbed a toe into Klaus’s stomach. Nothing too hard, just enough for Klaus to feel it.

He’d never even held Klaus tight enough that he would bruise.

Klaus missed getting hurt and feeling it.

“I’m a corpse?” Klaus didn’t think he’d have to explain it to Dave. The one living person who knew he was dead. Undead. Dead? Undead? He didn’t yearn for brains. He did have a yearning, but it wasn’t to eat anyone’s brains. 

He was just dead dead dead.

Thank god he didn’t rot. 

He was dead, he couldn’t feel pain or heal, he was obviously a corpse; but he didn’t rot. That was a bonus. He had to keep his leg bandaged under his prosthetic but it didn’t hurt to walk on. And sometimes he wondered how little of him could be left before he _had_ to leave his body. How mangled? What if his head was bashed in? Could he still move himself around?

Was he stuck?

Stuck forever to be in his body because he didn’t ghost out of and now it’s too late he’s locked on he can’t leave and one day he’ll be only broken parts not able to move and hardly held together no longer what one could even pass as a person but he is aware and he knows and he doesn’t feel pain because he’s dead dead dead

Dead.

Dave’s hand was wrapped around his arm, his feet off his lap, face close and kind and worried, _“You’re more than a corpse, Klaus.”_ Dave reached over with his other hand and caressed Klaus’s _cold, dead_ cheek, gently making Klaus face him. “I love you, Klaus. I know you think I can’t, but I do. I’m sorry but _I do._ I am so sad that you died before we met, but I am much more happy that we were still able to meet. A life without you is not one I’d like to know.”

“Dave, I--”

“You better still have clothes on,” Diego said as he opened the door. His eyebrows reached his hairline, “Wow. You are still clothed. _Huh._ ”

Klaus made a face, “What were you going to do if Dave’s dick was up my ass? You didn’t give us any time to finish.”

Dave was blushing. Good, at least one of them was. 

Oh no, make that two. Number Two was thrown off his game, face redder than usual.

Ha! That was great.

“He’s right,” Dave said, leaning away from Klaus, taking his warmth from him, his love. “You gave us no time to finish and clean up. If you _had_ seen something you would’ve only had yourself to blame.” Dave turned to face Klaus, “Nightingale, next time we need to make sure to _at least_ have our hands down each other’s pants when Diego bursts in.”

Klaus nodded solemnly, “Of course, _rossignol_.”

“God there’s two of you now,” Diego muttered. “Okay dickwads, Luther is calling for a meeting. Finish up-- whatever and be down.” He turned around and left them, the door wide open.

Klaus turned to Dave, hissing, “Did you just call me _nightingale?”_

Dave shrugged, “I need a pet name for you! Do you not like it?” He looked worried. “We can workshop it.”

_Of course_ Klaus liked it. He loved it. If his heart could beat it would have skipped one. Instead he wondered if some of his insides melted and was now just dead goo, because he sure felt like something happened. 

He’d been called pet names before of course, usually when men were paying for him to have sex with them. Not often anything original, all the same over and over but--

Nightingale? 

A song bird?

_Him?_

Dead corpse Klaus?

“What about you?” Dave waved his hand towards Klaus, “You called me Ross-something? What?”

Klaus laughed, “ _Rossignol_ is nightingale in french. You went and pulled an amazing endearment out of thin air! I couldn’t think up a matching one so I just thought: _french_.” Dave smiled softly at him and looked like he was about to say he loved Klaus again so Klaus quickly got up. “Let’s make them wait a little longer so they wonder if we did do a quickie. New clothes so they really have to question how messy we got,” he winked.

So Klaus changed into some clothes he had in his room while he had Dave raid Diego's closet. While Klaus loved Dave, he needed to be alone for a bit. It was probably a good thing Diego interrupted when he did, stopping Dave from saying something-- something he didn’t mean.

Something he _couldn’t_ mean.

As Klaus changed he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t have access to full length mirrors often. He looked--

Dead.

Dave could only love him as a friend would because no one, _no one_ could love a dead thing like him.


	2. he puts the fun in funeral, babey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, _finally_ here is chapter two, hope y'all like as much as you did chapter one

“Is that my shirt?” Diego asked, eyeing Dave as they sauntered in, Dave’s arm relaxed around Klaus’s shoulders. 

“Klaus said it would be okay?” Dave said in his fake innocent voice. “My other one got-- _messy_.”

Klaus giggled.

Luther looked them over, brows furrowing, “How did it get messy?” His tone was of pure innocence.

Klaus’s giggle turned into a guffaw. 

Luther frowned, almost looking hurt at Klaus’s laughing. 

“You guys went ahead and had sex after I walked in?” Diego asked, glaring.

“You walked in on them having sex?” Vanya’s voice was strong but quiet. Klaus hadn’t even noticed she’d arrived. But it made sense that they waited for her for the family meeting. She was family. Backstabbing family, but then that was nothing new.

Hell, Klaus had been literally stabbed in the back during training before.

“No! I walked in on them cuddling like they were in love or something!” Diego protested.

“We’re engaged? Why is us cuddling like we're in love a strange concept?” Klaus asked, leading Dave to a sofa so he could lean against him and cuddle some more. Klaus made sure his new outfit covered a lot of skin. It was still pretty tight and his style, just, _more covered_. If Dave was going to have to feel his dead dead dead skin pressed up against him more than he had to--

It was best if Klaus kept as much skin covered as possible. So he felt safer and better leaning against Dave, Dave’s arm wrapped around him, holding him close. 

Klaus felt very safe in Dave’s arms.

Dave leaned in and whispered to Klaus, “Not so sure I can take on Luther now. You didn’t say he was a giant.”

Klaus shrugged, “Last I knew he wasn’t. Guess at least two of us have big news. Ha! Luther’s a giant while I’m just dead.”

“Stop whispering sweet nothings,” Diego said. “Or worse, sex talk. Let’s get this meeting over with. And Dave? _Just keep the shirt._ ” He looked vaguely put out by the idea of his clothes becoming after-sex clothes. Which pleased Klaus greatly. 

“I’m sorry, but before we start,” Vanya said, leaning forward a bit, “did you say _engaged?_ ”

Luther nodded, looking at Vanya and then back to Klaus and Dave, “Who exactly are you? Diego mentioned Klaus had brought a friend with him.”

Klaus raised his eyebrows, sounding as scandalized as he could, _“A friend?”_

“I’m Dave Katz,” Dave said, a soothing hand rubbing up and down Klaus’s back. He then wrapped that arm around Klaus’s shoulder and leaned in, “We’re engaged. Deeply in love. I swept him off his foot.” Dave smirked.

Klaus burst out laughing, elbowing Dave in the side. So far his family didn’t know about his foot, or lack thereof, and while he would hedge around the issue whenever (if) they found out, no need to draw attention to it. “You did. How could I not fall for such a dashing young man.”

Dave raised an eyebrow, “I’m a year younger than you.”

Lies.

Dave was now as old as him. 

Klaus didn’t age, he was dead dead dead.

“I’m a cradle robber,” Klaus nodded. “Luther you gotta take me in, man. Academy ready to arrest me?”

Luther shook his head, looking vaguely annoyed. “I’m happy for you, glad to meet you Dave. But Klaus, I need you to talk to dad.”

“Oh? We’re getting right to the chase? No tea? Scones? Cucumber sandwiches are always a winner,” Klaus responded. He didn’t particularly want to talk to his dad. He wasn’t a fan of the guy, so why would he go out of his way to talk to him? 

“Listen, the last time I talked to dad, he sounded strange,” Luther said.

“And here we go,” Diego rolled his eyes.

“I know the coroner said he died of a heart attack,” Luther started, “but he had told me to be careful who to trust. I’m not so sure it was of natural causes. So, Klaus, I need you to talk to dad so we can find out the truth.”

Klaus balked at that, squawking a bit as Diego said, “Luther, he was a paranoid, bitter, old man who was starting to lose what was left of his marbles.”

“No, he _must_ have known something was going to happen,” Luther argued back, not even taking his eyes off Klaus. “So are you going to do it, Klaus? Finally use your powers to help your family?”

Dave felt tense beside him, his arms tightening around Klaus. “What was that?” His tone was harsh.

Klaus patted Dave’s arm, silently telling him to back down. “I can’t just call dad in the afterlife and be like, _‘Dad, could you just stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment to take a quick call?’_ ”

“Since when? _That’s your thing._ ”

Klaus would have preferred to have anything _else_ be his thing. Maybe now would be a good time to out himself for being dead. He can’t call up spirits now that he was one of them. Sorry, Luther, the supply line died with him. Too bad he’s dead dead dead.

RIP him and whatever.

“I’m not in the right frame of mind,” Klaus found himself saying instead. This was not the time, this family meeting about if dearest papa had been murdered or not. Not like they’d believe him anyway. 

Of course it would be easy to prove. 

But then they’d question Dave being engaged to a corpse and Klaus could not have that happen. Keep the truth under wraps. The truth of his status and the truth of their engagement. He wasn’t going to let Dave be thrown out of the house before he could have one good night's sleep in a real bed.

Allison frowned, “You said you were sober.”

“Yeah! Yeah! I am!” Klaus defended. “A year now!”

“You expect us to believe that?” Luther asked. “If you were sober you would talk to dad for us.”

“Did something happen?” Vanya asked quietly. Klaus ignored Luther and looked at her. “To make you quit? Did something bad happen? Or is that when you met Dave, and he wanted you sober?”

The room fell silent, waiting for his answer. He once again, was given an opening to tell them, to tell his family about his demise. Dave was gently running his hand up and down Klaus’s arm in a soothing rhythm. 

He couldn’t let them have a reason to throw Dave out.

“I had a bad overdose,” Klaus shrugged. “Really bad. _Like,_ death bad.” He looked down and realized he’d reached out to hold Dave’s other hand and Dave--

Dave readily held his hand.

As if Klaus wasn’t dead.

He’d died a lot over the years. He’d had many bad overdoses. Dying hadn’t stopped him, not when he got brought back to life that was. But now he was something else, something _wrong_. He was dead dead dead and yet he was more alive than any ghost he’d ever seen, even more alive than Ben. 

“Well shit,” Diego said. 

“I’m glad you got better,” Allison gave a hesitant smile. 

“Me too,” Vanya added.

Luther, with his ever one track mind said, “So you’re saying you _can_ talk to dad?”

Klaus let out a loud sigh and let his head fall back onto Dave’s shoulder. Dave kissed Klaus’s head with a smile. Klaus could feel his smile. How he could smile while kissing something wrong and dead like his corpse was--

“He can but he won’t,” Dave said. “You should respect his decision to not talk to his abuser because you _think_ the coroner, _whose job is to do these things_ , is wrong because your dad, _who you hadn’t seen in years,_ sounded a bit strange.”

“But his monocle is missing!” Luther argued. “It’s worthless but it was important to dad so his murder had to be personal. Someone close to him, with a grudge.”

“Luther, the medical professional said it was a heart attack. They would know. Are you trying to undermine someone’s profession because you can’t find a monocle?” Dave questioned. “You think you know more than someone with schooling and training and real world experience because _a monocle_ is missing and you think you’re dad sounded a bit weird when you last spoke? I know you are grieving right now, and that’s good, _that’s okay._ But blaming your siblings for your dad’s death is not the way to heal.”

Diego let out an appreciated whistle.

“You think of us killed dad?” Vanya asked. “How could you think that?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Luther defended.

“Sure sounds like it,” Klaus said. “Was this meeting just so you could accuse us? Are we not going to have a service for the ol’ fart? Because I would be okay with that. I got enough memories of him tormenting me that I don’t really need to memorialize them.”

Luther sighed, “We’re still having a memorial Klaus. It’s a sundown, at his favorite spot, under the oak tree.”

Klaus gave a thumbs up as he stood. Dave followed suit, but kept a comforting arm around Klaus. “We’ll see you then. _Hopefully_ not before. However if you do need us, we shall be murdering mom.” He turned and started walking out.

“Sounds like a delightful time, nightingale,” Dave agreed and together they left the room.

They ended up in the kitchen so Dave could grab something to snack on. 

“I’m surprised they believed me about my sobriety,” Klaus said as Dave made a sandwich for himself. 

“Luther was a jerk though,” Dave mumbled, mouth full. Apparently his mama never taught him manners.

Klaus waved his hand as he sat down on the table, his legs dangling off the edge, “He’s always a jerk. It was fun watching you gently take him down though.” It had been very hot. If Klaus was alive he’d have his hands all over Dave. They for sure would have gone back to his room instead of the kitchen and Klaus would have let Dave do unspeakable things to him.

Too bad, so sad.

It was just a fake relationship.

“It’s true though,” Dave said, now talking between bites like a civilized person. “He’s grieving, Klaus. You said he didn’t even move out-- _no the moon doesn’t count_ , he was sent there. We’ve discussed how abusers tend to have one child that they seem to favor, even though they are abusing them as well. The way you talk, he was that one. Groomed by your dad to be the perfect soldier.”

Klaus shuddered, “Well I’m glad that wasn’t me then. Ugh, I was groomed enough by older men, didn’t need my dad doing it too.”

Dave gave him a side eye, “Klaus--”

Klaus held his hands up, “No, I know. Not the same type of grooming. _Hopefully._ ” 

Dave fondly rolled his eyes. After a few seconds of him silently eating and Klaus wiggling what toes he did have and debating if he _should_ conjure his dad. Luther probably wouldn’t leave it alone. Dave then spoke up, “You know you don’t have to try and talk to him.”

Klaus smiled, “Thanks, boo. I absolutely _die_ for your support.” He blew him a kiss. He would wonder how Dave knew what Klaus had been thinking about, but since they met they’d stuck together more than he and Ben did at times. Dave could read him so easily, with a glance, he knew things about Klaus that Klaus didn’t always know.

As Dave finished his sandwich, they started to hear music. It was muffled through the house, but Klaus smiled anyway. Luther was still good for something, afterall. But they were alone now, him and Dave, and there wasn’t anybody else around.

Dave got up and stood in front of Klaus, holding out his hand and raising his eyebrows. 

“I got no left feet, Dave,” Klaus joked, taking Dave’s hand and trying to not think of how his skin must feel to Dave. 

Dave laughed, “Well I have two of them, so I think we’ll be fine.” He helped Klaus get in a standing position and then wrapped his arms around Klaus. It was like he _wanted_ to dance with Klaus.

They’d danced together sometimes, but not like this. Not close, not with Dave’s arms around Klaus, twirling him and laughing. Dave singing to him, slightly off key. 

What lies Dave sang. The beating of our hearts is the only sound.

If only.

But Klaus joined in the singing and it was good and Klaus felt free.

Then all the knives flew in the air and rushed past them.

“Did you do that?” Dave asked.

“All I do is see ghosts and play dead. I don’t even sit, shake paws, or fetch like a good doggo,” Klaus replied. There was a blue light coming from outside, “Let’s go.” He pulled Dave along to see what was happening.

Number Five fell from the sky.

“Does anyone else see little Number Five, or is that just me?” Klaus wondered, holding Dave’s hand tight. 

“I see a boy too, nightingale,” Dave whispered back.

Five looked down at himself, “Shit.”

During Five’s very confusing explanation of where he’d been, Klaus had to smile, “Danke,” when he complimented the engagement ring.

Five mostly ignored Dave, but he did glance towards Klaus’s legs so he wondered if somehow, with his future knowledge, Five knew about Klaus’s lack of leg. Call him a pirate because he’s got himself a pegleg. 

Did that mean Five knew Klaus was dead?

Did Five know if Klaus ever found rainbow medical staples for his chest?

And then Five walked out the room again. Klaus just hoped it wasn’t the last time he saw his brother.

“Well today has been more eventful than Tammi-without-a-y had suggested,” Klaus leaned into Dave’s arms.

Dave gave a thoughtful hum, “Spend all your money on calling her psychic service again, did you?”

“You know me so well, _rossignol_ ,” Klaus said. “Sometimes I think she must be a fake though. She hardly ever gets anything right.”

They shared a laugh only to be interrupted when Diego said, “Of course she’s fake. Stop spending your money on her, bro.”

“Gotta spend my money on something now that it’s not drugs,” Klaus shrugged. “Tammi-without-a-y is good conversation.”

“It’s his money,” Dave added. “It shouldn’t matter what he spends it on as long as he’s happy.”

With that, Diego sent Dave a glare and left the room. The rest slowly dispersed after him. With Vanya hanging back for a second, “I really am happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Klaus preened. She probably wouldn’t be happy for him if she knew the truth, but then she might write up a sequel. A horror story of the dead coming back to life and stealing all the men.

And then Vanya left.

“Well unless you’re hungry, we can hide out in my room. Away from everyone but possibly Ben,” Klaus sighed. “While today hasn’t gone bad yet, dad’s funeral is prime for a fist fight.” Klaus linked arms with Dave and as they walked out of the kitchen he said, “Oh, I should probably warn you about Pogo. And mom.”

“What about them?” Dave asked, confused. “You’ve spoken of them, I know about them, Klaus.”

“Pogo is a humanized chimpanzee and mom is a robot,” Klaus stated. 

Dave paused in his walking, before giving a nod and continuing, “Alright. Okay then. Sure. _Why not?_ I mean, you’re dead, Ben’s a ghost, Luther is somehow a giant when you said last time he wasn’t. We just saw Five fall out of the sky as a 58 13 year old. Why not? A chimp and a robot. Alright. Got it.”

“Probably should have mentioned sooner,” Klaus mumbled.

“You told me before I saw them so that’s a-okay,” Dave shrugged. 

Once they were safe in Klaus’s room, he made sure to sit far enough away from Dave that he wouldn’t have to touch him. No need to push his luck. Already he’d had so much more physical contact than he’d had since he died. Hand holding, kisses, _dancing_. But then Dave ended up sitting down next to him, leaning on Klaus’s clothed shoulder. “Wake me up when it’s time for the funeral, alright? Don’t want to miss what surprise Tammi-without-a-y didn’t foresee.”

Klaus let Dave fall asleep against him. He knew Dave slept better with someone watching his back. A trait he picked up from when he was serving. And thankfully Dave never had to worry about Klaus falling asleep as well.

Ben came through the door then, “You need to tell them.”

Klaus gestured to asleep Dave and then shook his head.

“Great, perfect. You won’t wake your fake fiancé so you have to listen,” Ben nodded. “You have to tell everyone you’re dead. Klaus, it won’t even be the biggest news anymore! Five is back and he stole your thunder. Also, Luther thinks someone murdered dad! So you know he’ll be too busy with that. It’ll be easy for them to take the news too; you’re still around. More than I am.”

Klaus shook his head again and then flipped Ben off.

“Fine. But it’ll blow up in your face the longer you hold it off. What are you gonna do when you get hurt worse huh? Lose an eye instead of just a leg? Get shot in the chest? _Don’t age?_ ” Ben folded his arms.

Klaus hissed at Ben as quiet as he could before mouthing _‘Fuck-you. Not-like-we’re-gonna-suddenly-become-a-family-again. Doesn’t-matter.’_

“Dude, all I got from that was the _fuck you_ ,” Ben rolled his eyes.

Klaus flipped him off again.

“I get it, fine. I know when I’m not wanted,” Ben groused before leaving Klaus to a sleeping Dave.

Eventually it was near sundown and Klaus woke Dave up gently. He always was fully awake in seconds, another trait from the army. There were a few of them, many of them involved sleep. Dave could sleep anywhere, through anything, but he’d be awake instantly if needed. He also slept a lot. Always said you never knew when you could next get some shut eye, so he tended to take little catnaps throughout the day.

Klaus thought it was adorable. Like a little kitty cat. Kitty Katz. Dave curled up in the sun-rays, on some nice dry cardboard while Klaus watched over him. 

It was raining. Which was always annoying. He’d be soaked for hours. With no warmth from his body heat, it took so much longer to dry off. _Oh! But hey!_ He’s not in their alley, he’s in the Academy where there are a _bajillion_ towels.

And then before he left his room, Klaus noticed his old umbrella. Clear with pink trim. His past self knew how to live.

Dave had his arm around Klaus, both of them under the small umbrella. He whispered to Dave which one Grace was when they saw her and, “Klaus, I’d hope that was your robot mom and not the talking chimpanzee. And I’d like to think I could tell the difference. However, if you’re pointing out the robot, does this mean the chimpanzee looks human?”

“Uh, no. Pogo is still very much a chimp,” Klaus shrugged. “Oh, here he comes.”

_“Huh,”_ Dave said eloquently. “That’s a chimpanzee in a suit.”

“Yes,” Klaus smiled, very amused by Dave’s reaction.

“Oh my god. I’m now picturing a baby Pogo in a tiny suit and it’s so cute, Klaus. _Klaus, did you hear me?_ Did you grow up alongside him? What is the lifespan of chimps? _Klaus,_ were you guys babies together? In little suits?”

“I had no idea you’d react this way,” Klaus snickered.

“Honestly, neither did I,” Dave replied dryly.

Pogo sent the two of them a parental look, wanting them to respectfully be silent. Klaus sent Pogo a look that he hoped conveyed he was sorry and they’d be respectfully silent. Pogo did not look like he believed Klaus. Which was very rude. 

Pogo gestured to Luther, “Whenever you’re ready, dear boy.”

Luther turned the urn upside down and all the ashes fell directly down onto the soggy ground. Klaus winced. He’d hate it if he got treated that way after he left his body. Mostly because it meant Luther held him. Otherwise he didn’t much care. 

It hadn’t bothered him when he’d watched the stray dog start to eat his leg when he hopped away from the alley. 

But the idea of _Luther_ doing that? Ugh. No thank you.

“Probably would have been better with some wind.”

“Well he’s not wrong,” Dave commented quietly to Klaus who grinned in response.

Pogo gave them The Look again before glancing at the rest, “Does anyone wish to speak?” Silence rang. Pogo nodded, “Very well. In all regards, Sir Reginald Hargreeves made me what I am today. For that alone, I shall forever be in his debt. He was my master, and my friend, and I shall miss him very much. He leaves behind a complicated legacy--”

Klaus snorted, “Not that complicated. I bet it’s all in the will.”

“Klaus,” Dave scolded.

“What? I’m not wrong. What legacy has he left? A broken family who never speak to each other? An empty mansion? A buttload of trauma? _And I know what a buttload is._ ”

Allison started to say something, probably also ready to scold Klaus but in a less friendly way than Dave did when Diego spoke up, “No, he’s right. He was a monster. He was a bad man and a worse father. The world is better off without him.”

“Diego, Klaus--,” Vanya tried to calm them all down.

“My name is Number Two, and he’s Number Four. You know why? Because our father couldn’t be bothered to give us actual names. He had mom do it,” Diego pointed out.

Klaus laughed, “Yeah! Exactly. _Exactly._ ”

Diego then added, “Look, you wanna pay your respects? Go ahead. But at least be honest, like Klaus was, about the kind of man he was.”

Luther sent them a glare, “You should stop talking now.”

“Why?” Klaus asked. “Because we’re telling the truth? I know you still think he was a good man, Luther. But he really wasn’t.”

“Like you’d know a good man when you saw one?” Luther asked pointedly.

Klaus laughed, “Yeah! Yeah I think I would, Lu. Do you know how many abusive relationships I’ve been in?” Dave’s arm wrapped tighter around him. “And like, I let them hit me and belittle me and _worse_ because, _honestly?_ It wasn’t as bad as it was here. _With him._ If getting knocked out daily by my beau is better than spending another day with dear daddy? _He wasn’t a good man._ ”

“Klaus--” Allison tried.

Klaus held up a hand, his left one, with the ring on it, with GOOD BYE on it, “Save it, Allie. It’s fine. It’s in the past. Now, I have spoken my peace about Sir Reggie so Dave and I are going in. Can’t let Dave catch a cold and dying on me before the wedding.” He then made a peace sign and let Dave escort him back inside.

“Well that was almost eventful,” Dave said as they put away Klaus’s umbrella. “Luther looked ready to punch you or Diego.”

“Diego more than me,” Klaus shrugged. “Not that he’s never not laid one on me before, _usually in training, calm down_ , but they all think I’m fragile.”

Ben snorted, “You are. You’re dead.”

“God, and you won’t shut up about it,” Klaus rolled his eyes. Dave picked up that he was probably talking to Ben and gave a small smile. “It’s not the only thing about me! I’m a well rounded person! Much more than my status of corpse.”

“You’re more than a corpse,” Dave whispered, bringing Klaus’s hand up and kissing his knuckles.

No one was around to witness it.

He had no reason to pretend to be in love with him.

Klaus tilted his head in confusion as Dave continued to hold his hand afterwards.

“You guys are gross,” Ben said before going back to the courtyard to spy on the others.

“You still tired? Hungry?” Klaus asked, mouth almost dry. As dry as it could be in his state. “Bath?”

“Right now I just want you to show me around some more,” Dave said, pulling him around. “I’ll explore with you and you can lead us to safety when we get lost.” He hadn’t let go of Klaus’s hand.

“You uh,” Klaus swallowed, staring at their hands, “you have a lot of faith in me, Davey.”

Dave winked at him, “Someone has to. It’s a burden, but one I’m more than happy to carry.”

So they went exploring. Dave managed to find some rooms Klaus had forgotten about, they explored all over. He thought they managed to hit each room at least once. Eventually Dave started yawning again though, and so Klaus directed them back to his room to let his friend sleep. 

Once Dave was asleep, Klaus got back up as silent as he could. He found himself back down in the kitchen, with one of Diego’s guitars. After a short conversation with some of his siblings, it was just him and Allison and she didn’t seem like she was going anywhere. She looked like she wanted to talk to him.

“Alright, out with it,” Klaus idly strummed the guitar. 

Allison pursed her lips, “I don’t want to sound rude.”

“But?”

“I’m worried,” Allison added. She gave him a gentle look, one he was used to seeing on Grace. A mother’s care. It was very strange coming from his sister. 

_“Oh?_ Do tell. Don’t keep all that hot gossip locked away,” Klaus hoped she wasn’t going to question his sobriety or, y’know, his death that set him on the path to sobriety. As far as she knew it was a bad OD that he got up from. Ha! He _did_ get up from it, just not in the way she thought.

“Are you _happy_ with Dave?” Allison asked slowly.

Klaus raised his eyebrows, “Yes? We’re getting married. Allison, what--?”

“It’s just. You spoke of dating people who hurt you. And while Dave seems _really lovely_ , you-- You have a split lip and you’re wearing more clothes than usual. Are you hiding bruises? That he left?”

Klaus reached up to his split lip. He had a bad habit of worrying his bottom lip and he’d worried it a bit too much and now his bottom lip always had a little cut. When Dave found him doing him habit now, he’d point it out, so that Klaus didn’t make the cut bigger. “Nah, this is just from me being clumsy. Cut my lip on my teeth. Look,” he showed off that the cut matched up. “He didn’t-- he doesn't hurt me. He’s so kind, and strong, and vulnerable, and-- _beautiful_.” Much better than Klaus himself was.

Allison narrowed her eyes for a second, reading him, before breaking out into a soft smile, “Good. I’m glad. I have-- _worried_ about you. I’m very happy to hear that you’re sober and engaged and that you have your life together.”

Klaus let out a laugh, “I wouldn’t say I had _my life together_. But thank you.” He got up then and stretched, “Now, I have a sexy fiancé in my bed. Toodles!” He wiggled his fingers in a wave and blew Allison a kiss. She blew one back.

As he entered his room, he sat down on the floor next to his bed and pulled out an old sketchbook. He looked at Dave, deep in sleep, drooling a bit on Klaus’s pillow, the unicorn stuffed animal hugged to his chest. 

Klaus has never seen something more beautiful.

Starting to draw Dave as he slept, Klaus thought about the idea of him having his life together.

Him?

Homeless, amputee, in love with his best friend, corpse?

Don’t make him laugh.


	3. you put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you easily shake it all about because it’s a prosthetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good news, it didn't take a month for me to update this time
> 
> hope y'all like this chapter

Early in the morning, Klaus put his sketchbook aside and got up. It was nice that he could take care of himself better than usual since he was in an actual house. He could wash up, make sure all the duct tape, staples, and thread holding him together was still in place. As well rewrap what was left of his leg. He liked to keep it wrapped as it never could heal, and some padding to help stop any possible erosion. Bone erosion didn’t seem ideal. 

In their alley he couldn’t always keep up on keeping himself together. He tried his best but being homeless is hard enough without having to worry about your body literally falling apart.

He made sure his clothes covered as much of his body as he did the day before.

Possibly one day he’d have to wear something more revealing, if the talk with Allison didn’t actually settle her like he thought it had. But it had been years since they saw him! He’d changed! For all they knew he was more modest! Especially now that he had a fiance.

That is likely how they would think instead of guessing that he was 

dead, dead, dead.

Dead.

“Klaus,” Five greeted, looking him up and down. His eyes hovered over Klaus’s left leg before back to his face. “Where did you get your leg?”

Klaus looked down. It wasn’t apparent that he was missing his leg. But with Five from the future, who knew what he knew. (Five knew, which didn’t make it less confusing for Klaus.) “Grew it myself! _Aren’t you proud?_ ”

Five sighed as if Klaus caused him pain. Klaus _could never_. “I _meant_ the fake one,” Five seethed through his teeth. “Is it Meritech?”

“Not this one,” Klaus answered with a shrug. Why lie when Five clearly knew the truth. Some of the truth?

Jury still out on what Five knew about the alive vs. dead dead dead thing.

“Sounds like you have some Meritech prosthetics,” Five put his hands in his pockets and gave Klaus a _look._

Ugh, Klaus was tired of these looks! Pogo gave him parental ones, Allison gave him a worried sister/parental one, he got them all the time from Ben! He didn’t need his long lost brother giving them as well!

“I will neither confirm nor deny,” Klaus hedged. He did have some, he stole them from Mertich, often breaking in and grabbing some prosthetics. Not just ones for his leg but for other body parts as he never knew when he’d lose another. “Spoiler: I do.” Klaus thought it was time to give Five one of his own _looks_ , “Why?”

“I need to ask about an eye, I was hoping you’d be an in,” Five answered.

“So, just so I know, you know about my leg because _how?_ ” Klaus asked.

Five looked down and away, “You were dead.” Klaus felt himself start to worry. He _was_ dead, _currently_. Did Five know? “All of you were dead,” Five continued. “I had to bury all of you. I saw your leg.”

Somehow it was comforting to know that Five was able to bury his body. He’d been worried he was stuck in it, but if Five had buried him, then he probably hadn’t been in it still and he’d flown the coop.

Moved on.

Went towards that white light.

Fluffy clouds and pearly gates awaiting for him.

Let’s paint the town red and all that jazz.

“Or lack thereof,” Klaus tried to joke. 

The joke didn’t land.

Which was very sad. Honestly Klaus would cry if he could. 

It was all dead jokes all the time, open mic night (all night, every night). Why was it that only Dave understood that?

“Yes,” Five agreed. “Lack thereof. You have an in at Meritech then? I’d like to explore that.”

Somehow this meant Klaus had to hide in a closet for a bit from Vanya, had to leave a note for Dave about how he was going out with Five (please don’t worry), put on one of his dad’s suits, see a fake eye and _not steal it_ because _sure_ that eye doesn’t match his but it’s still a prosthetic eye and one day he may need it--

“Can I see the eye?” Klaus held out his hand. He just wanted to hold it. 

He’d gotten a bit

_odd_

about prosthetics since he cut off his leg.

“Klaus, you’re being weird,” Ben commented. “Also this is a bad idea. You know you don’t have an actual in into Meritech, because we are _not_ counting you breaking in as a viable option.”

“No, you do not get to see the eye. I already showed it to you,” Five said, sounding only a little angry.

“Hey Five? Why are we going in and _talking_ to people instead of breaking in and just finding the paperwork? I’m good at breaking in places, _you_ would be even better at breaking in!” Klaus gestured to Five as they walked.

“Because they have a lot of paperwork and I doubt I can find it as easily as they can. However that is a good idea. Should this not work that will be my next option,” Five said.

They walked in silence for a bit. Or near silence. Klaus was humming Hanson’s song _MMMBop_.

Then Five broke into the humming with a soft voice, “How did it happen?”

“Hm?” Klaus tilted his head. “How I became so beautiful? Well Five that’s just good genetics! All from my mother’s side, you understand.”

Five rolled his eyes so much that Klaus expected them to roll right out of his little head. Oh! Then Five could use the fake eye. Good for him. “Your leg. What happened?”

“Oh you know how it is Five. One minute you’re running from the _po_ lice and the next you’re trapped because your leg got caught and then it’s time to cut it off! Not able to save this one, boys! Wave goodbye to your leg and say hello to new fake ones,” Klaus shrugged. He wasn’t overly bothered by it. 

When it happened, when he had to cut his leg off?

It bothered him _a bit_. Not pain wise, as he didn’t feel pain anymore. God he missed pain. But by that point he’d had his stab wound that would never heal and a few other cuts about his person. He’d never thought about having to lose limbs though, before he had to. 

Now he thought about it all the time.

Maybe hoarding prosthetics was a smart move, maybe a weird coping mechanism from him having to chop his own leg off and watch a dog eat it-- but he wasn’t a therapist so he couldn’t be sure.

Ben and Dave both thought it was a coping mechanism. Klaus just thought it was a smart move on his part.

Five had stopped walking, “I’m so sorry, Klaus.”

“Huh?” Klaus asked, confused. “Why? It’s not your fault? I'm the one who had the cops chasing him. And besides! Now you chose _me_ to help you! We all know that if I didn’t have this pegleg that you’d have picked someone else.”

“No I wouldn’t,” Five frowned. 

“Oh come now, we all know how useless I am. No one ever wants to partner up with me. _Other than Dave_. We partner up together _a lot_ ,” Klaus winked.

“I would have picked you,” Five said forcefully. “Even if you didn’t have your prosthetic.”

“Sure you would!” Klaus patted him on the shoulder, fully not believing him. Giving a smile he started walking towards Meritech again.

“I’m also very glad you have Dave,” Five said, starting to walk again. “And that you’re sober. From what I gathered about you--”

“Vanya’s book?” Klaus questioned. “Some interviews I did for drug money?”

“Yes, _those_. But you are very different than I thought I’d come back to,” Five said. “It’s a good look for you.”

_A good look for him?_ But he was dead, dead, dead. A corpse! It’s not a good look on anyone! “Thank you, I work hard on my makeup to make me look this good,” Klaus winked.

They finally arrived and managed to get into a meeting with some big shot guy. They sat down in front of his desk without him looking up from his paperwork. It reminded Klaus of when they had to go see ol’ Reggie as children and he made them wait for minutes before acknowledging them. A power move. One that wouldn’t work on them, since they grew up with Reg as a father.

The guy didn’t make them wait long, a few seconds after they sat down, he looked up. “I hear that you-- _You!_ ” He was glaring at Klaus.

“Me?” Klaus asked. “Why the hostility in your voice?”

“I recognize you!” 

“Made things difficult for them here, _dad?”_ Five glared at him.

Klaus held up his hands, “Oh, I would _never.”_

“Oh, you would!” the guy argued. “You keep breaking in and stealing from us.”

Five’s glare got angrier. “Oh? Do you, _dad?”_

“Okay I do. But I can’t afford to _buy_ prosthetics, Five! How can you expect a homeless guy to afford them! They’re _very_ expensive,” Klaus said as he stopped the guy from calling for security by unplugging the phone on his desk.

That stopped Five for a second, “Wait. _Homeless?_ Don’t you live with Dave?’

“I do,” Klaus said, pointing a finger and glaring at the guy as he tried to plug his phone back in. “We just both stay in the same alley. It’s not a big deal--”

“Not a big deal? Klaus, _you’re a homeless amputee_ ,” Five sounded worried.

Klaus shrugged, “Yeah? There’s a lot of us? I’m not special.” He then slapped the guy’s hand, _“Would you stop.”_

“Great! You could have said your _in_ here was because you _break in and steal from them,”_ Five hissed.

“Told you this was a bad idea,” Ben said.

“I told you on the way here we should just break in!” Klaus said, rolling his eyes. “But calm down, I have this under control.”

“You do not!”

Klaus ignored Five and turned back to the guy and gave him a smile, “Hi. Remember me? I believe we ran into each other once when I broke in. You were here after hours? Also stealing some prosthetics. Which like, how many of the ones you stole did you blame me for? And you aren’t even a homeless amputee? What’s your excuse?”

The guy stopped moving and looked as pale as a corpse.

And Klaus would know!

“He what?” Five asked.

“Oh, this guy here,” Klaus pointed to him. “Also steals from Meritech. _Tsk, tsk._ That’s against the law you know. You could go to prison for that! You’re gonna do great in prison, Grant--”

“It’s uh, Lance.”

“Trust me. I’ve been there. Little piece of chicken like you? Oh my god, you’re gonna be passed around like a--” Klaus swiveled his hips. “You’re just-- you’re gonna do great. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Jesus,” Grant cursed.

“I’d say I’m better than him. Doesn’t take me three days to come back to the land of the living. _Ha!”_ Klaus laughed arily.

Grant or Lance or whatever his name was, took them directly to the files Five wanted.

What Five didn’t want to hear was that the eye wasn’t made yet. “Or has it been?” Klaus asked. “And _somebody_ stole it to? What, do you sell them on the black market?”

Grant swallowed, “Eyes sell well.”

“Fuck,” Five cursed, stalking off.

Klaus patted Lance on the back, “Well. I may see you soon, buddy. A romantic late night rendezvous? A clandestine meeting, perhaps?” He laughed and followed Five out.

Five was pacing out front. Muttering to himself. Klaus sat down on the steps and soon Five joined him. 

“Sorry it was a dead end,” Klaus said. Klaus knew a thing or two about dead ends.

“Do any of the others know?” Five asked. 

“About what?”

“Your leg. Being homeless,” Five said, gesturing to Klaus. 

“If they do they now have mind reading powers as I haven’t told them,” Klaus shrugged. “It’s not like they’d be able to do anything about it. Or that it would change anything if they knew.”

“You know we all care about you, right?” Five asked, his tone slightly off. It was pressing, as if it was important.

As if he was important.

Ha! 

Klaus laughed, “Five. I almost wasn’t able to come to the funeral. I’m sober now because of a bad overdose. If I hadn’t gotten back up from that-- Five no one would’ve cared. No one would’ve wondered. They’d assume I died beside a dumpster from an OD and they-- _they’d have been right.”_

“Klaus--” Ben started but Klaus waved for him to be quiet. He and Ben had been over the topic multiple times. 

Klaus stood up, “If you don’t need me anymore I need to be getting back to Dave. Leaving him with our siblings? He’s innocent, Five. Think of all the detailed shovel talks they’re giving him.”

“We do know many ways to kill people,” Five said. “Which I need to give him my own shovel talk. And mine will be the scariest, Klaus. I was an assassin.”

“But you’re pint sized!” Klaus chuckled, “Nothing scary about that!” Five elbowed him in the side. “No! I’m fragile! Five! What if I bruise!”

“You’ll heal,” Five said before teleporting to a passing taxi.

“Oh, okay. So he doesn’t know I’m dead,” Klaus said to Ben.

“You should have told him,” Ben replied.

Klaus shrugged, “Make his little head explode? That would be rude. He’s already dealing with finding out the eye is a loose end to whatever he’s got going on _and_ finding out I’m homeless. If I told him I was a corpse I think he would have blown a gasket. He has so few gaskets left, Benji.”

“Think he’ll tell the others about your lack of leg and lack of house?” Ben wondered.

“God I hope not,” Klaus sighed, setting off towards the Academy.

When he got back, Dave was helping himself to some food and Allison was in the room with him. Klaus walked up and wrapped his arms around Dave, “ _Rossignol_ , is she bothering you?”

“Not at all! We were just chatting,” Dave turned and kissed Klaus’s cold, dead cheek. “How was your outing with Five?”

“It was fine. He didn’t get the info he wanted, but neither of us got arrested so,” Klaus shrugged.

“Was that an option?” Allison questioned. 

“Surprisingly yes,” Klaus answered. “But thankfully I had some blackmail material and the guy didn’t just think it would be his word against mine and he’d win.”

“You blackmailed someone?” Luther asked, walking into the room.

“Sure, all in a day's work,” Klaus winked. “And before noon too! Ah the things one can get done when you don’t sleep.”

“So what's on the agenda today, nightingale?” Dave asked. 

Klaus shrugged, “Oh, nothing of import now that I’ve done Five a favor.”

“You did _Five_ a favor?” Luther asked.

“Sure, he came to me and everything,” Klaus smirked. “Got on his little knees and _begged_ me to help.”

Dave nodded, “So what did you do?”

“We went to Meritech,” Klaus said, sitting down on Dave’s lap.

Dave _had_ been wrapping his arms around him but then stopped at hearing what Klaus did and Klaus almost fell off before Dave did finish as he started, _“You what?!”_

“Relax,” Klaus said. “I told you. No one got arrested and I got to blackmail a guy.”

Dave put his face against Klaus’s shoulder and laughed, “Only you, nightingale. Only you.”

“So what can do whatever you want today, _rossignol_. Explore more, rest up some. If you’re still tired or hungry--”

“I’m good for now,” Dave said with a warm smile. “How about you show me your favorite places in the house?”

And so Klaus did that. All the rooms he preferred, which were usually secluded, the bathroom he preferred, the garden out back. Most of the places they visited the day before but this time Dave asked for stories about the rooms, why Klaus liked them. 

Klaus hadn’t expected Dave to ask these things about him.

They were just friends, after all. And this felt like things you’d ask of your fiancé.

Which they were fake fiancés but not real ones.

So why was Dave wanting to know this information about Klaus?

By the end of the day, Dave was fairly sleepy again, finally able to catch up on his Z’s and so Klaus left him to take a bath and then sleep while he was downstairs, looking through various things they could pawn for money should Klaus not get any inheritance.

Which he should.

Or maybe not?

Did being dead mean he was cut from the will?

Another reason to not let anyone find out he was dead, dead, dead. More's the pity. 

Could Klaus get the money, then quickly make a will, come out as dead, and gift it all to Dave?

If only he knew a lawyer, living or dead, who could help him. The main lawyers he knew were either bad at their job or specialized in accidental claims and devorice courts. Not about wills and how that would all work.

God would he have to prove he was alive before making the will? Was that a thing they did? 

And then Klaus heard yelling and gunshots and the sounds of a fight. 

He got up and tried to sneak closer to the noise, wanting to help out but knowing he couldn’t be rushing in. As he got closer he saw a big guy with a blue cartoon bear mask on who was swinging a mace. Or a morning star? Whatever it was, it was a weapon with spikes and it looked very scary.

“Klaus you should have hid!” Ben yelled. “You can’t let yourself get damaged!”

Klaus nodded, “A good point!” He ducked as the man went to attack him. 

For what seemed like too long in Klaus’s opinion, he dodged blows by the man as he threw whatever he could at him. Pillows, lamps, figurines. Nothing seemed to be stopping him. And then Klaus tripped on a rug.

The man raised the weapon and brought it down

on his left leg.

Where there was no leg.

Klaus started laughing and then Luther came from nowhere and plowed into the man. 

Before Klaus could react, Vanya appeared by his side and helped drag him away. 

“Are you okay?” Vanya asked, trying to make sure the two of them were hidden.

“That man has _a lot_ of ghosts,” Klaus commented, seeing all the ghosts around him. It made it hard to watch the fight and see who was winning.

God, he hoped it was Luther.

It was very hard for Klaus to follow the fight but it seemed to end when the chandelier fell.

Luther stood up and ignored the looks he was getting from his torn shirt and he called out for Klaus. The others followed him, asking why he yelled for Klaus.

Klaus had yelled back where he and Vanya were hidden. 

“How bad is your leg?” Luther asked, reaching down to pick him up. “We need to get you to the infirmary.”

“His leg?” Vanya asked, clearly worried. “When we were hiding, he didn’t say anything--”

“Must be in shock,” Diego said with a nod.

“Hold on!” Klaus yelled, being carried in a bridal style in Luther’s arms. Which was weird. He was being held by Luther, in a different way than Reggie’s ashes were but still. This was _odd._ “I’m fine.”

“Klaus, I saw that man hit you!” Luther argued. “We need to get you checked out. Diego, go get mom.”

Diego nodded and turned to run and find her. Klaus had to stop him, he didn’t need them to find out he was dead. “I’m fine! He didn’t hit me!”

“Your leg is bent, I can see it!” Allison argued. “I bet because of the shock you aren’t feeling any pain.”

“I’m not feeling any pain because it’s a prosthetic,” Klaus yelled out. “It’s fake!”

Everyone stopped in their tracks.

“It’s what?”

Klaus pointed at his leg, “I lost my leg some months ago. For real! Someone pull up my pant leg a bit, I can’t reach it in the position I’m in.”

Vanya walked up and pulled his pant leg up. 

His leg was cracked, very obviously broken, and even more obviously _not real._

“Huh,” Luther said.

“Yeah I’m really glad that the guy hit this on and not the other. God I’d hate it if I had to lose both of my legs. Can you imagine the bad luck involved in that? _Hey Klaus, what happened man?_ Oh y’know, got hit by a morning mace. Now my toes match! Get it? ‘Cause I wouldn’t have any,” Klaus elbowed Luther, trying to get a smile.

He did not get a smile.

How rude!

Luther set him down on the sofa.

“Hey can someone get Dave?” Klaus asked. “He can run and grab a spare leg for me.”

Diego, who had been almost out of the room to look for Grace nodded, “On it.”

The room was silent as they waited, Klaus sighed. “I’m fine guys.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Allison asked.

“Because it doesn't matter?” Klaus said. “It’s just a leg. I’m still around. It’s not like I died from it.” He rolled his eyes.

No, he was already dead when it happened.

Can’t be killed twice.

_Or could he?_

He sure didn’t know.

“He’s not in your room,” Diego reappeared.

Klaus tried to get up, “What? No. He-- He has to be. How about the bathroom. He was going to take a bath.” 

“Didn’t see him,” Diego said quietly, sadly.

Klaus pushed himself up and tried to walk, falling when his leg finished breaking after he put weight on it, “Fuck!”

The others helped him up, he was leaning mostly on Allison for support, “I have to find him.” 

He can’t let Dave be dead dead dead like him. It wasn’t possible. He was the reason Dave had even come with, otherwise he would be safe at his house. “Ben? Is he around?”

The others started questioning him about Ben, but Klaus only had eyes on his brother who said, “I’ll try to find him.”

“I need a crutch or a leg or _something_ ,” Klaus said. 

“I’ll go see if we have any crutches in the infirmary,” Vanya said, running off.

“I have to find Dave,” Klaus said, starting to hop towards where he hoped to find him. 

Diego appeared at the top of the stair, “He wasn’t in the bathroom, but he had been recently.”

Klaus was starting to panic. “No! He can’t-- He might be hidden somewhere? There were guns and he’s-- he’s army. He might be having a flashback. Start looking, _please._ ”

“We’ll find him,” Allison said as Vanya showed up with a crutch for him.

“Klaus,” Ben said, appearing by his side. “I think he was taken.”

“What?” Klaus yelled. “On what evidence? He could be hiding! He’s got PTSD, you know that!”

“I found a towel on the ground, next to some blood,” Ben said slowly, calmly. “And I found an open window with the blood on it too. Like they dragged him out.”

“No! I--”

“Klaus, man,” Diego said, with a towel in his hands, “I think he was taken.”

Klaus really wished he could cry because he was sure that whatever noises he was making now, at hearing two of his siblings come to the same conclusion, would have been less horrifying if there were tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i moved up when cha cha and hazel attack the house but i wanted to so


	4. how dare you kidnap his fake fiancé! he’s got a bullshit wedding to attend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm. well. i hope y'all like this chapter. i know i had left you on a cliffhanger which i rarely do but i just had to. sorry for the bit of a wait but its finally here! enjoy!

Klaus felt cold all over.

He was always cold, what with being dead dead dead, but this cold? This chill? Was different.

_Was worse._

Turning to Ben, Klaus said, _“Find him.”_

Ben nodded, “You know I will.” Ben started to leave but paused when he was almost out of the room, “I’ll find him alive.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Klaus said, a feeling of dread sat low in his gut. His hands were shaking. They had stopped shaking once he died. He really hoped they’d find Dave alive alive alive.

“Klaus, man--”

Klaus looked up at his siblings, “Diego, drive me home so I can get a new leg. The rest of you, find Five. He’s our lead to finding those _fuckers who took Dave._ If Ben can’t find Dave then we need Five to.”

They nodded in agreement. 

Good.

If they had argued or stormed off or if they told Klaus to clean up his own mess, Klaus wasn’t sure what he’d do. It wasn’t like he could easily storm off and find Dave or Five on his own.

Klaus needed them to get _going_ though. Every second without Five-- 

Without Dave--

“We’ll find your fiancé,” Allison said. 

Diego pulled Klaus up off the sofa, wrapping Klaus’s arm around his shoulders. “Lets go get you a leg, I guess.” As he helped Klaus hop to his car, he said, “How’d you lose it.”

“Well, if you can imagine, it was via the use of a sharp object. Y’know? To cut through all the muscle and bone,” Klaus bit out. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk, he just wanted Dave back. 

“Klaus--” Diego started, in a tone that Klaus knew meant he wanted to talk about _feelings_ and he wanted to _help_. Diego would do that every so often, find Klaus high off his gourd and would try and talk him into getting sober. 

Klaus interrupted by giving the address of the alley he was residing in.

He had chosen Diego to drive him there because firstly, he sure wasn’t going to _walk_ to his alley, even if he had a crutch; secondly, because Diego knew he’d been homeless before, he’d seen how far Klaus had fallen (ha! Diego only thought he knew, what with the death still being a secret) and wouldn’t judge him as much for still being homeless.

They drove mostly in silence. Diego kept trying to make conversation with him, even joking that he hadn’t seen Klaus this quiet since he broke his jaw, but Klaus was too worried to hold a conversation. Whatever was happening to Dave was Klaus’s fault. He had talked Dave into coming with him to the Academy. He’d been so stupid to think it would go over well.

So

Stupid.

Fuck, he just wanted Dave to have a nice meal, a bath, a warm bed. He’d managed that, before he was kidnapped Dave did get to experience those again. God if he died then at least he had one last hurrah. 

They pulled into the alley, “So which door leads to your place?”

“Just stop here,” Klaus directed him. Once they stopped Diego got out and went to help Klaus. “Diego, listen, brother. Please, just-- no judgement.”

“Klaus, _what_ \--”

“This way,” Klaus pointed towards the dumpsters by a fire escape. It was nice and sheltered by the buildings, a dumpster that rarely got used, the fire escape all making it cosey. They’d even managed to find a broken armoire someone threw out to help store some of their clothes. Klaus had a trunk that had a lock that no longer worked for his uh, _many_ , fake body parts.

Was anything about him real anymore? He was built on lies and death. Fake leg, fake fiancé. 

Diego’s eyes were locked on the mattress they’d dragged there for Dave to sleep on. “You’re still homeless.”

Klaus shrugged and indicated that they needed to get to his trunk, “Stop me if you’ve heard this joke already: a one legged ex-addict and a war vet walk into an alley--”

_“Klaus,”_ Diego scolded. With a sigh he added, “You could’ve come to me. Both of you could have.”

“You live in a boiler room, don’t pretend you’re at the peak of living,” Klaus said, finally opening his trunk.

“That’s a lot of body parts, bro. Isn’t it _just_ your leg?” Diego looked him up and down.

“Okay so _maybe_ I’ve gotten a little crazy with collecting prosthetics in case I need more. It’s a healthier coping mechanism than drugs,” Klaus shrugged, grabbing one of the legs on top and then closing the trunk so he could sit on it to put it on. 

God Klaus wished he could cope by using drugs and alcohol.

Permasober permasucked.

Diego sat down on the bed, looking dazed. Klaus ignored him and went about putting his new leg on. This would require him to take his pants off, which normally wouldn’t bother Klaus at all as Diego had seen him naked many times but now he was dead dead dead and other than the lack of leg he didn’t have a lot of injuries on them. And it was dark out so hopefully Diego wouldn’t see _too much_. 

Diego cleared his throat, “It’s a nice alley? That you guys found.” He was frowning.

Klaus beamed at him as he pulled his pants down, Diego quickly looked away, “Thank you! We’ve tried to make it homey. Kinda hoping I get a good inheritance or we can just crash at the academy for now. Dave deserves a real home.”

“Do you not?” Diego asked softly.

Klaus rolled his eyes and switched out the leg. He checked the bandages to make sure they hadn’t moved much. He really didn’t want to rewrap it with Diego there. It would be clear that something was off with him, what with it not healed _at all_ , looking as fresh as when he’d cut it off. Once he got all the straps done up, holding the leg in place, he put his pants back on and said, “You can look now. I dressed myself like a big boy and everything.”

“Alright big boy,” Diego said, finally looking at him again. “Got any more secrets to share?”

_Secrets?_

“What?” Klaus didn’t like how small his voice sounded.

“Well here we were going through our day thinking you had both legs and a home. So I was just wondering if there was more you weren’t saying,” Diego frowned at him.

Ha ha ha.

Klaus rolled his eyes and put on a sarcastic tone, “Yeah, Diego! Turns out I’m actually dead dead dead and that Dave and I? _Just friends_. Pretended to be engaged so I could get him a bath.”

Diego pointed a knife at him absently, “No need to take that tone.”

Klaus stood up and started towards the car, “We need to be ready when Ben finds him.”

Diego looked back at the alley as they were leaving but then he stared at Klaus’s legs.

Part of why he didn’t want anyone to know.

No one ever stops staring, like, he got it, he was _very sexy_ but there was no need to stare, “Get on with it.”

“Does it hurt?” Diego asked softly as they arrived at the car.

“No,” Klaus sighed. “Not at all.”

“That’s good,” Diego said. “Know where we’re driving to?” He started the car.

“Not yet,” Klaus said, worrying his bottom lip, something he hadn’t done in a while. He’d hoped Ben would be back by now with news. But it was a big city and who knew where they had taken Dave. Ben couldn’t lock onto Dave’s position like he could Klaus’s. 

“Tell me about him,” Diego said as he started driving aimlessly.

“You’ve met him,” Klaus said. “You know what he’s like.”

“I’ve barely spoken to him, which I’m sorry. I should have taken some time to get to know my future brother-in-law,” Diego’s voice was soft.

Klaus felt a small amount of guilt tugging at him, knowing that Dave wasn’t going to be Diego’s brother-in-law. But Klaus did love Dave and he would do anything to bring him back, to keep him safe. “He’s kind, and strong, and vulnerable and-- _beautiful_.”

“He seems much better than the other assholes you’ve dated,” Diego commented.

Klaus let out a light laugh, “Oh he is. When he touches me he’s always so careful. Never even bruised me.”

Diego made an interesting noise, “Huh. From what you’ve told me, you like getting bruised sometimes.”

“Ha! _Yeah_. Dave’s different though. He doesn’t like hurting me.” True, part of that is that Klaus couldn’t heal. If he were alive, if they were together, possibly he’d be able to talk Dave into giving him the bruises that Klaus missed. 

“Then he’s got my star of approval,” Diego said.

Klaus made a face, “God Di, did you want Dave to ask for my hand in marriage with you before we got hitched?”

Diego shot him a glare, “Of course not! I just-- It’s nice to hear that you’re being treated right for once, alright asshole?”

Klaus had been about to reply when Ben appeared in the backseat, “Ben’s back.”

“Yeah! We need to talk about that too, Klaus. Why didn’t you say he was around?” Diego accused.

Klaus snorted, “You’ve never believed me before--”

“We do not have enough time to unpack all that,” Ben commented.

“And yeah, we don’t have time,” Klaus agreed. “You find him?”

“I did,” Ben confirmed. “And he’s alive, but we need to hurry. They’re torturing him, Klaus.”

If Klaus could still breathe, the news would have stolen it away. They were torturing Dave. He got mixed up in their stupid family business, he knew _nothing_ , he was just-- just a friend. Klaus felt a hand on his shoulder and he flinched back.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Deigo said, hands now in the air. “Sorry, bro. But I need you to talk to me. What’d Ben say?”

Klaus’s hands were shaking more than before, “Torture. They’re torturing him.” 

“Ben, I need a location,” Diego said, voice serious in a way Klaus hadn’t heard in a long time.

“Lunar Motor Lodge Hotel, on Calhoun.”

Klaus relayed the message, feeling numb. Fuck, this wasn’t worth making sure Dave had somewhere safe to stay-- he _hadn’t_ given Dave a safe place to stay. He’d given him a place to get kidnapped from.

No matter how great baths were, they were not worth _this_.

Diego did not try to make conversation on the way to the hotel, for which Klaus was thankful. There was no way he could hold any sort of a conversation, knowing he was the reason Dave was being tortured.

Fuck, if only he had Five’s power, he would be there by his friend’s side already.

They finally arrived and Klaus was ready to bolt to whichever room Ben pointed him to.

Diego parked out front, “Before we go rushing in, Klaus, _Klaus, look at me,_ ” Klaus turned and looked at his brother, “we need to call the others and wait.” Klaus opened his mouth to protest, _Dave was getting tortured, they couldn’t wait,_ when Diego continued. “These two? We barely beat them back at the house. I’d prefer if we had the others to help save Dave, okay? We’re going to save him, don’t you worry about that.”

Klaus nodded, finding himself making a sort of sad noise, obviously wanting to cry but unable. He stood outside as Diego used the front desk to call the Academy.

“They aren’t back from finding Five yet, but I left a message with Pogo,” Diego said, arms crossed, glaring at the rooms. 

“We can’t wait, Diego, we have to go now,” Klaus tried. “We don’t know how long the others will be and _Dave_ \--”

“You said he was military?” Diego asked and Klaus nodded. “I know it’ll be hard for him, and hard for you, but he can handle it.” He put his hand when Klaus started to protest, “Not forever, but enough for back up. Man I _wish_ we could charge in there but they were tough back at the Academy and now we’re on their turf. Ben can go in and keep an eye on your Dave. He’ll let us know if something changes.”

Ben nodded, “I’ll watch over him.” And then he left.

After a few minutes of silence, Diego said, “You really love him, huh?”

“What?” Klaus croaked.

“Nothing-- Just. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this worried,” Diego shrugged. “Which okay, I know, loved one being tortured but you-- _you really love him._ ”

Ha! Ha ha ha!

He did.

_He really did._

Too bad everything but his love for Dave was fake.

“So Ben’s around,” Diego whispered after a minute or two.

“Diego, _please,_ ” Klaus begged. “I cannot hold a conversation right now. Later. We can talk about Ben later.”

“Yeah, alright,” Diego sighed deeply.

Silence between them settled. Klaus could hear in one of the rooms upstairs a crowd of ghosts. He’d easily pinpoint which room they were in from the noise. God he wished he didn’t have to hear it. A few times when he heard screaming he wondered if it was Dave, but Diego never reacted so Klaus let himself think it was just another ghost.

God there had been so many when they’d attacked the Academy. 

He was _not_ going to let Dave join them.

“Klaus,” Ben appeared by his side. 

“Why aren’t you up there,” Klaus’s voice was panicked. “Why aren’t you with him? What happened, Ben?”

Diego turned to stare at the air in front of Klaus.

“Calm down, he’s still okay,” Ben soothed. “But the two people just went into the bathroom. They are arguing over how Dave isn't breaking like they expected.”

“Then we gotta go now,” Klaus started walking towards the stairs when Diego’s hand shot out and grabbed his arm tightly.

He hoped he wouldn’t end up with a bruise.

They always took forever to show up now, but they never went away.

“They’re in the bathroom. They left Dave alone. We can sneak in, _we can’t wait,_ ” Klaus said in a rush.

Diego nodded, “Okay. Let’s go. But you stay behind me, okay? And don’t do anything heroic.”

Klaus said nothing but turned to continue to the room where most of the noise was coming from. 

He wouldn’t be doing anything heroic. He was selfish, wanting Dave back. Besides, if he did something that could be considered heroic the jokes on everyone else, he’s dead dead dead. Dead. How could he be a hero when it literally wouldn’t hurt him. Damage him, maybe. But he could take whatever. As long as he got Dave out of the room alive, even if it destroyed Klaus’s body and he had to become a full ghost like Ben, it would be worth it

When they got to the room, Diego pulled out a device that could break into the room without the correct keycard and silently opened the door.

Klaus couldn’t see Dave.

There were so many ghosts in the way and they all turned to him and started yelling at him and Klaus was frozen and he couldn’t see Dave, he couldn’t see Dave

He couldn’t

see Dave

He couldn’t hear him, hear Ben, hear Diego.

Klaus wasn’t sure if he was gasping or not, but he knew he was doing one of those weird things his body did now that he was dead dead dead. As if it wanted to react in a normal _alive_ way but _just couldn’t_ because he was a corpse now

and forever.

And then Dave was there, in front of him. His hands on either side of Klaus’s face, locking eyes with Klaus and giving a smile. He was saying something but Klaus couldn’t make it out. He reached out and touched Dave’s face back, hand shaking. He rarely reached out anymore, not wanting to freak Dave out but he had to be sure, he had to know, he had to--

He wiped some blood off Dave’s eyebrow and some new immediately took its place.

He was alive.

Alive, alive, alive.

He was bleeding and touching Klaus and he was alive and they’d saved him and then Diego was pulling at them, tugging them out of the room, saying _something_ and pointing over near the bathroom and Klaus saw the ghosts surrounding a man, with a knife in his throat.

Which meant the lady, the other one, she was somewhere and they _had to go_ and Klaus pulled Dave, wanting him out of the room, he needed to get away from the other ghosts, he needed to hear Dave’s voice, to hear that he was okay because even with all the evidence Klaus was worried that he was wrong that Dave was like him, dead dead dead, stuck in a corpse.

Klaus had to remind himself that Dave was bleeding.

That he was alive.

They got out of the room, Diego trying to usher them as fast as Dave could move and then they both froze. 

Klaus turned and saw the lady, no mask, gun up, pointed at them. 

Klaus still couldn’t hear what was happening, too many ghosts, _too loud, so loud._

They were speaking, all three of them, and it didn’t seem to be going good and then three things happened at once.

1\. Diego threw a knife.

2\. She pulled the trigger.

3\. Dave pushed Klaus aside.

Dave

pushed

Klaus

aside.

Suddenly Klaus could hear again, all the ghosts gone silent, as if ready to welcome a new one.

Klaus caught Dave in his arms, lowering them both to the ground. Dave’s chest was red and pulsing with blood and he was looking up at Klaus with a small smile, some more red by his lips.

“No, no, no, no,” Klaus cradled Dave. “No you idiot! _Why would you do that?_ ”

Dave attempted to say something, his hand spasming in Klaus’s.

_“I’m already dead!_ The bullet wouldn’t have hurt me! You should’ve let me take it! I’m just a corpse Dave! You-- you, don’t leave me, Dave. Stay with me, stay with me, please,” Klaus’s voice cracked.

Dave started to blink slower, his breathing barely there.

Dave was dying just because Klaus wanted him to be able to take a warm bath.

“No, no, no. I said you can’t leave me,” Klaus held Dave close, knowing that it was too late. Dave had played the part of the hero, the unneeded hero. “I’m already dead, you should’ve let me get hit you self sacrificing idiot.”

And then, Klaus felt the life leave Dave and he saw his ghost standing beside them. 

Beside _him_ and Dave’s body.

Klaus was angry and distraught and _done_ with it and he pulled at Dave’s ghost, the real Dave now, as he held a corpse in his arms and said, “Get the _fuck_ back in your body!”

Something inside him, something in his powers snapped and pulled, glowing blue for a few seconds and Klaus shoved Dave back in his body.

Dave blinked a few times, “Whoa, that was a trip.”

“You _fucker,”_ Klaus said, still cradling Dave.

Did he just

bring Dave back to life?

With a trembling hand, he felt for a pulse and

_no_

Dave was a corpse

just like him.

Dave sat up and smiled at Klaus, reaching out he put his hand to Klaus’s cheek, “Oh, nightingale.”

“Don’t you _oh, nightingale_ me! You just _died_ in my arms!” Klaus’s voice wasn’t loud, but it was forceful. “And now-- and now you’re _like me._ Dave, why did you take the bullet? I would’ve been fine!”

“Klaus, I’m so sorry but I just--”

“What the _fuck_ is happening?” Diego’s voice cut in.

Klaus looked up and over to his brother who was staring at them with wide eyes. The woman was as dead as the guy in the other room, thanks to Diego.

As dead as Dave was.

“He just got shot but now is fine?” A bright blue light as Five with Allison and Luther on either side appeared, “And Klaus, _what the fuck do you mean you’re dead.”_

_“He’s what?!”_ Five exclaimed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never been so excited to kill dave before, tbh.


	5. couldn’t he skip the family meeting? he was dead, so technically he didn’t have to be there right? none of the other dead family members were ever invited to meetings, why is he so special?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> family meeting time! this chapter is just a bunch of dialogue! sorry but it had to be done after last chapter. idk how much longer this story is going to be? one or two more chapters i think. as if i planned _anything_ about this story as i wrote it.

They were sitting in the main living room. Klaus would have rather done this in the infirmary but there wasn’t enough room for all the siblings to sit in there comfortably and ask their nosey nosey nosey questions. So he’d grabbed the very well prepared first aid kit and sat down on a loveseat with dear dead Dave.

Dave held his hand which made cleaning him up harder.

First order was cleaning all the blood off him, so Klaus could see what state Dave’s _corpse_ was in. His left hand shaking as he wiped all the red off, his right hand trapped in Dave’s grasp.

“So what exactly happened?” Vanya asked. She’d been left at the Academy during Dave’s rescue due to her being ordinary.

Couldn’t let her get hurt, couldn’t let her get shot, couldn’t let her die die die.

Nope.

_Not her_.

Klaus frowned. He shouldn’t blame Vanya for Dave getting tortured, getting shot. 

No siree, that was all on Klaus.

When it was clear that Klaus wasn’t going to answer, Diego cleared his throat, “After we stopped at _the alley Klaus lives in_ \--”

Klaus snorted, “Don’t _live_ anywhere.”

Dave rolled his eyes fondly, “Nightingale, I don’t think now is the time for your jokes.”

Diego let out a pained sigh, “--and got Klaus a spare leg, we found where Dave was taken with the help of Ben. We went to the hotel, I called you all for backup but you were looking for Five still.”

“Apparently he was visiting his mannequin wife? But she was a younger version of herself who didn’t recognize him?” Allison questioned.

Five, in the room with a drink in hand gave a nod, “Time travel is a bitch.” He had some briefcase he’d torn the hotel room apart looking for by his side.

Klaus got done cleaning off Dave’s face. Overall it looked okay. A small cut by his eyebrow, a bit of a split lip. No bruising, at least not yet. God if he got stuck with a black eye. Thankfully most of the damage that Klaus could see seemed small and superficial. Bonus, he still had all his fingernails.

“After that?” Vanya asked.

“Take off your shirt,” Klaus interrupted. “Need to-- need to clean your chest now.”

“I can--” Dave tried.

“No. I’m not having you clean your own gunshot wound right after dying. _Christ, Dave,_ ” Klaus said. He wanted a cigarette, he wanted a drink, he wanted some drugs. “Off with the shirt.”

Dave glanced at Klaus's siblings, all quiet and staring at them. “I’d prefer if you all stopped staring at me. I know you all wanted to see me shirtless since I’ve arrived but my chest is only for Klaus to see.”

Klaus gave an amused snort and noted that his family all shuffled a bit on their feet or where they were sitting and looked around at a painting, dead animal, each other. He then let go of Dave’s hand so he could get his shirt off.

Klaus let out an involuntary hiss of unneeded breath at the sight. It wasn’t that bad of a gunshot, Klaus had seen many worse from the dead before.

But those dead weren’t Dave.

He got to work at cleaning the wound.

“Um. Then we uh, went to rescue Dave when Ben said to,” Diego started back up.

Klaus looked to Ben who looked distraught at the fact that he was the one who told them to go, “Not your fault.”

Dave turned and looked as well. He gave a wave to Ben.

He

gave a wave

to Ben.

“Hi Ben,” Dave smiled. “It’s nice to see you.”

“Hi Dave,” Ben said, surprised. “It’s nice to be seen.”

_“Oh,”_ Klaus hadn’t realized-- of course. Dave was dead dead dead now so he saw _all_ the ghosts. Just like Ben did. 

Fuckity fuck.

Not only did he curse Dave to be stuck in his body like Klaus was, but he could see all the other dead. _How wonderful._

Diego cleared his throat again, “So we go and get Dave. As soon as we enter the door Klaus freezes so I untie Dave and stab the guy.”

“Hazel,” Five supplied.

“By the time I have killed Hazel, Dave is up by Klaus who still isn’t moving,” Diego said.

“Want to shed some light on that, dead boy?” Five asked.

“Not really, old man,” Klaus said. He grabbed a new clean rag, the other was stained red. 

“We’re trying, Klaus,” Allison said. “Trying to understand. Please meet us halfway.”

Dave’s hand gripped Klaus’s. Even though Dave hadn't been dead dead dead at the time, he had seemed to understand, “You should tell them, nightingale.”

Klaus frowned at Dave. He liked his secrets. They kept him safe. His family couldn’t harm him if they didn’t know how to. He’d let them hurt him so much as a child. Turning, he looked at his family who didn’t appear to want to harm him. They looked worried, like they cared. Cared about a corpse like him. “There were a lot of ghosts. I couldn’t see past them. I couldn’t hear anything but their yelling.” He snorted, “I just ruined the rescue, should’ve stayed behind and then maybe--”

“And then maybe I’d be full ghost like Ben,” Dave reached up and held Klaus’s face in his hand. “And I wouldn’t be able to hold you still.”

Diego nodded, as if any of this was normal, “So uh, Dave drags Klaus out, who is apparently in shock because of all the ghosts, _good to know_ , and the woman--”

“Cha-Cha,” Five emptied his glass.

“Is there and has a gun. She shoots and Dave pushes Klaus aside which means _he_ got shot. I took care of Cha-Cha, _what kind of name is that?_ But I took care of her and when I go to see how the lovebirds are uh, Dave was dying and Klaus was yelling about _already being dead, Jesus fucking Christ_ ,” Diego angrily threw a knife at one of the dead things on the wall.

Better than at one of the dead things on the sofa.

Aka Klaus or Dave.

Sing the chorus of the song now! Just follow the bouncing ball, you know the lyrics!

_Dead dead dead (x2)_

“Diego,” Luther scolded. “We’re all-- We’re all a bit on edge right now. Please don’t throw knives. Just stick to the story.”

“The story?!” Diego yelled. “The story is that our little brother has been dead! And we didn’t know about it! He didn’t tell us, _no one told us_. We didn’t figure it out, we didn’t ask. He died somehow since any of us last saw him _and none of us would’ve seen him again_ if it wasn’t for his powers where he is haunting his own body! He died, Luther! _Klaus is dead!_ ”

“Klaus is still right here,” Klaus said, finally getting the last of the blood off Dave’s chest. 

“It was the overdose, wasn’t it?” Vanya asked. “The one that you said you--” she took a breath, “you died and got sober afterwards.”

“Drugs don’t work anymore,” Klaus looked Dave up and down, looking at all the wounds he’d have to close as best he could. “Died next to a dumpster. It’s fine.”

“When?” Five asked, tone more serious than Klaus had ever heard, fiddling with the handle of the briefcase.

“What?” Klaus looked to him, eyes off Dave for a second.

“When did you die? And where? I want date, time, location,” Five said, staring him down.

Klaus sighed, “What does it matter? I’m a corpse now. Nothing you can do.”

“What part of time travel don’t you get?” Five growled out. “I can fix this. I can fix you.”

“Thanks but no thanks,” Klaus said. When everyone started to yell at him he held up his hands, “If you save me, _if I don’t die_ , I probably wouldn’t be here. Doubt I’d have met Dave. I’d for sure still be high, unless I overdosed and died again later. What's the plan Five? Going to follow your junkie whore brother around so that I don’t off myself? I can guarantee that if you tried to force sobriety on me it wouldn’t work. I’d run away or worse. I’m permasober now. _And_ I am actually here. If I was who I was a year ago,” Klaus laughed. “Trust me. This is the better option.”

“You being dead is not the better option!” Five yelled.

“Klaus,” Dave said, drawing his attention back to him. “If Five could save you--”

“Then I wouldn’t have met you,” Klaus argued. “I love you, _rossignol_. I can’t stand the thought of an existence without you.”

Dave grinned widely. He grabbed Klaus’s left hand, with the ring, with his own. They made a small _clink_ as they touched. “I told you my death wouldn’t stop the wedding.”

“You’re an asshole,” Klaus informed his-- 

His fiancé?

His real ~~life~~ fiancé.

“You _love_ me,” Dave sing-songed at him, winking.

“You’re engaged, of course he loves you,” Five said. “He’s also an idiot for not agreeing to me saving his junkie ass.”

Klaus dug in the medkit, “Why isn’t there superglue in here?”

“Because it’s a medkit,” Luther said in a tone that made it clear he thought it was the obvious answer.

“Okay sure, but listen. Small cuts like his eyebrow? Superglue is great at keeping it closed. All medkits should have them,” Klaus explained. “Hell even when I was alive, it was cheap, it kept cuts closed.” He shrugged. “Do we have superglue?”

“We can worry about the glue later,” Dave said. “I think the uh-- gunshot? Is a bit more pressing.”

Klaus frowned. He didn’t want to look at the gunshot much more. Maybe he could just stick a bandage over it for now. Fuck he had no idea what to do with a _gunshot_. A stabbing would’ve been easier. He just kept his leg wrapped in bandages because there was no trying to keep that closed, maybe this would be the same? Just keep it bandaged. 

“If we save you, we save Dave,” Five tried.

Klaus stopped searching the medkit for good bandages.

If they saved Klaus-- even if Klaus never met Dave, and Dave could be _alive alive alive_ \--

“I don’t know much about time travel,” Dave said, grabbing Klaus’s hand and holding it as tight as he dared. “But isn’t there something about changing the timeline? Or changing things that would affect you?”

“Yes,” Five confirmed. “But I’m already changing the timeline. I’m stopping the end of the world. I would love to stop my brother’s death as well. The apocalypse is in a few days and I came back trying to make sure _all_ of you _lived_. Now I find out I’m too late? By a year? An overdose I could help stop or get you help in time?”

“And the next overdose?” Klaus asked. “We went over this. I’ve had a lot of overdoses where I died. My heart stopped. The difference with this one was I wasn’t getting medical treatment when I died. So I stayed dead. I can guarantee you, even knowing that OD killed me, _I wouldn’t stop taking drugs._ Do you understand? Not only are drugs the _only_ thing that stopped the ghosts and got them _leave_ but I am an _addict_.”

Allison swallowed, “You said earlier, there were so many ghosts you couldn’t see-- couldn’t hear-- and that _drugs_ were the only thing that stopped them? Didn’t dad train you--”

Dave snorted, “Reg didn’t train him. Reg didn’t do shit.”

“What? No. You had special training all the time,” Luther frowned.

Klaus scoffed.

“Tell them,” Ben said. “They wanted to know the truth.”

Klaus glared at Ben.

“He’s right,” Dave said. “I think you should tell them.”

“Who is right?” Diego asked. “Is it Ben? I-- I saw him. For a second.”

“You what?” Klaus exclaimed.

“When you shoved Dave’s ghost into his body, you kinda went blue. And then all the ghosts around you were glowing blue for a few seconds,” Diego said. “I was about to mention it when we uh, we got off topic.”

Klaus finally found a bandage big enough and put it on Dave’s chest, he stuck it on and held his hand over it as he said, “That’s uh. That’s news. But then I didn’t know I could make more animated corpses before Dave so I guess daddy was right about all that potential I had and how I was his greatest disappointment.”

“Do you think you can make Ben visible again?” Vanya asked.

Klaus shared a look with Ben, “Maybe. I don’t know what I did and I can’t promise that you wouldn’t see all the other ghosts. _But maybe._ ” 

Ben smiled at him.

“What did Ben want you to tell us?” Allison asked.

“Nothing, it’s not important,” Klaus waved his hand.

Dave squeezed his other hand, “I think they’ll believe you. Also while it may still be a shock, I doubt anything tonight will top the fact that you’re dead.”

“Just a corpse filled with love,” Klaus snickered. “Okay fine, you win. Time to bare my heart and soul, huh? Think they’ll think it's as pretty as you do, Davey?” He turned to his siblings, “My special training? It wasn’t _training_. It was dad locking me up in a mausoleum. And leaving me there for hours. Days. Gotta get over my fear of ghosts, you know. Immersion therapy. Ha! Nothing more immersive than haunting your body. At least he never thought to kill me.”

“He totally would have,” Ben said.

“Oh, no, doubt!” Klaus said brightly. He looked over at his siblings, who were all staring at him. “What? Don’t tell me this is a surprise to you all. Dad was a bastard and we all know it-- except you, big guy, but we love you anyways.”

“K-Klaus,” Diego said, gripping the side of his chair tightly. “Dad fucking _tortured_ you--”

“Maybe I’ll jump back to kill him,” Five mused. “It looked like a heart attack, right? I can do a heart attack.”

Klaus let out a laugh. “Guys,” he said, “Guys, come on, it’s not a big deal--”

“Of course it is!” Vanya said. She was looking pretty pale for _some reason._

“No, it’s really not,” Klaus said. “It’s fine, I’m over it, it was years ago and I’m fine--”

“Klaus,” Dave murmured, taking his (dead) hand in his own (also dead) ones. “ _Nightingale._ Your hands are shaking.”

Klaus looked down.

_Huh_. 

So they were.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” he said weakly. He looked to Ben who was giving him a patented Sad Face. He’d worn it a lot over the years, often whenever Klaus was having flashbacks. Dave then squeezed his hand slightly, a way to say that he was there for Klaus.

But if anything Klaus should be there for Dave.

Dave just died.

And yet Dave was the one comforting him. 

Klaus was such a bad ~~friend~~ fiancé. 

“Okay that’s enough interrogation for now,” Klaus turned to his siblings, leaning slightly towards Dave as if he could protect him. He’d proven that night that he couldn’t protect Dave from anything. “Dave just got done with his own private interrogation, it’s so soon to put him through another. We shall retire to my room, _au revoir_ bitches.” Getting up, he ignored the protests and was pleased to note that Vanya had spoken up and suggested that they left him alone for the moment. 

He’d have to thank her later.

As they walked to his room, Dave held his hand, thankfully not commenting again on how they were still shaking. 

“At least you won’t freak out when we hold hands now,” Dave mused. “Put that in the ‘Pro’ category.”

“Don’t be pro and conning your death,” Klaus scolded.

“It’s my death, I can do with it what I want,” Dave smirked, leaning in and kissing Klaus on the side of his mouth.

“You _are_ handling your death _suspiciously_ well,” Klaus gave Dave a side eye as he opened the door to his bed room. 

“Thank you,” Dave grinned. “I feel I may be in a shock and it’ll hit later but at the moment the upside is that you can _finally_ get over your weird hang up of me being alive so we can start _actually_ dating.” Dave paused for a second, “We should get married before someone realizes we’re dead. They won’t let us if they know we’re corpses.”

Klaus spluttered, “Presumptuous much? Maybe I don’t wanna date you.”

Dave softened, “I’d be lucky to have you.”

Klaus stopped short, unsure on what to say. He knew what he wanted, he knew he loved his best friend, however; “You don’t blame me?” He hated how small and broken he sounded.

Dave shook his head, “No, no. _Never_.” He reached out and cupped Klaus’s face with his hand. “I could never blame you. I love you.”

“Do you want--” Klaus swallowed, “Do you want me to see if I can help you move on? I had panicked and pushed you back into your body, but if you want to go to the light--”

“Not until you do,” Dave smiled slightly. “I don’t want to move on without you by my side.” He pulled Klaus towards the bed and he sat down first, half laying and half sitting. Dave then pulled Klaus into his embrace and wrapped his arms around him, “I’m sorry I died.”

Klaus made a noise that in the last twenty four hours he’d learned meant he wanted to cry and simply couldn’t, he grasped at Dave, _“You weren’t supposed to die.”_

“I know,” Dave whispered, kissing Klaus’s temple and holding him close. “I know. I know, nightingale.”

Klaus let Dave hold him, he turned in his arms to face him, “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. It’s _not_ your fault. You’re not the one who had a gun,” Dave ran his hands through Klaus’s hair. “And besides, I jumped in front of the bullet. Even dead, _you’re so alive_ and I love that about you. So I forgot about you being dead and my training took over. If anyone should be apologizing it should be me.”

“Don’t you _dare_ apologize for dying,” Klaus said, his head now resting on Dave’s shoulder. “And when you do start to deal with the fact that you’re a corpse now, I’ll help in any way I can.”

Dave tilted his head, “How’d you deal? By the time I met you, you were already cracking jokes.”

“Ha! _Rossignol_ , what about me makes you think I dealt with it. The jokes are my coping mechanism. That and y’know, having been very desensitized to death. Those pesky powers of mine.”

“Don’t knock those powers,” Dave said. “They’re part of the man I love. Also without them I wouldn’t have ever met him.”

“Fuck, you’re such a sap,” Klaus let out a light laugh. 

“You _love_ it,” Dave sing-songed.

“I do,” Klaus agreed. After a seconds pause, he added, “Did you mean it when you said you wanted to marry me before people found out we were dead?”

“Uh, _duh_ ,” Dave rolled his eyes. “Let’s have a shotgun wedding, nightingale.”

“Poor taste in joke,” Klaus informed him. “You were shot by a handgun. Also aren’t shotgun weddings when someone is preggers?” He put his hands to his stomach, “No bun in my oven.”

_“Oh,”_ Dave said, sounding sad. “I’m going to miss food. Remember buns? Like with hamburgers? I liked mine with two pickles.”

“I know, _rossignol_. I know,” Klaus patted his arm in a comforting way.

“Klaus,” Dave said in a rushed and urgent tone. “Klaus, is Pogo ordained? _Could we have a monkey in a suit marry us?_ Klaus this is important-- _stop laughing.”_


	6. the first day of their dead dead dead existence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eh, i'm not super happy with it but here you go, an offering to the gods in the form of this chapter

Klaus walked into the kitchen, Dave trailing behind him like an adorable dead dead dead puppy, and greeted his siblings with, “We’re having a shotgun wedding!”

“But you were already engaged?” Vanya asked hesitantly. 

“Yeah, sure was,” Klaus turned to Dave and winked at him. Dave smirked back. 

Should they try and actually date before marriage?

_Nah._

He knew he loved Dave and while he didn’t _believe_ Dave, not fully, Dave did say he loved Klaus. 

Also Klaus had an impulse control problem. And his impulse was to marry _the fuck_ out of Dave ASAP.

Five cleared his throat and with a pointed voice asked, “What about the end of the world?” 

“All the more reason to marry _now_ ,” Klaus reached towards Dave and held his cold dead hand in his own cold dead hand.

They matched now.

_Adorable._

“Or the more reason to save it,” Five hissed out, looking murderous. Honestly, if Klaus could die again and if looks could kill--

“Know where Pogo is? Dave wants him to marry us,” Klaus leaned towards Dave and rested his head on his fiancé’s shoulder.

“This is more of an elopement than a shotgun wedding,” Allison commented.

“What's the difference?” Luther asked, looking up from his breakfast.

“Shotgun weddings are when someone is pregnant and they want to get married before the baby is born, elopement is when people run off to get married in secret or earlier than planned,” Allison explained. “And as far as I know, neither of them can get pregnant.”

“Especially now that we’re D-E-A-D,” Klaus sing-songed. 

“I think they can all spell, nightingale,” Dave smiled. 

Klaus shrugged, “How should I know? They’re acting like we could get pregnant. Which was pretty hard for us to do before we died, what with both of us having dicks and no vaginas.”

“Speak of, how are you dealing with your death?” Five asked, staring Dave down. He was frowning slightly.

Dave shrugged, “Not bad so far. But I don’t think it’s really hit me yet. Mostly sad that I can’t join you for breakfast.” Klaus wrapped his arms around Dave tighter and Dave leaned into his grasp. “I think I’ll miss food the most.”

Klaus nodded, “I miss drugs the most.”

“You would,” Ben commented with an eyeroll.

Diego looked down at Klaus’s leg, “You don’t miss having two working legs?”

“Nah, I have more than two working legs now,” Klaus smirked. “I’m more powerful than you. Got that horse power. _That leg power._ I’m like a spider, got eight legs and everything.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Luther said slowly.

“How would you know? You’ve only got the two legs,” Klaus replied with an eyeroll.

“You lose your leg before or after you died?” Five asked, looking over his cup of coffee.

Klaus narrowed his eyes, “What does it matter?”

“Need to know what state you’re going to be in when I go back in time and save you,” Five said smoothly.

Klaus frowned, curling around Dave more. He wasn’t going to let Five go back in time and save him. “I thought we went over this last night. You aren’t going to save me.”

“Watch me,” Five glared.

“What am I? Just some hot air?” Ben asked dryly.

Dave gave a thoughtful look to Ben, “You make a good point.”

“I always make good points,” Ben agreed with a smug smile. “But what one am I making now?”

Klaus snickered as Dave said, “Why is Five trying so hard to save Klaus and not you.” He then locked eyes with Five. “Why save Klaus not Ben? _Don’t you like him?_ Sure I prefer Klaus over Ben but I’m marrying Klaus. Also preferring Klaus wouldn’t mean I’d leave Ben out of the plans to save the whole family. Rude to talk about saving one brother in front of another dead one.”

Five opened and closed his mouth a few times, not saying anything.

“You broke him,” Ben let out a laugh. 

“Yeah, it’s all or none here, Five-y,” Klaus said. “Save Ben first and then we can discuss saving me.”

“I’m sorry,” Five said quietly. That caught Klaus off-guard. He hadn’t expected this from his brother. “I can’t. Ben died too long ago and the changes in the timeline if he hadn’t died is not something I can calculate. I doubt if Klaus was alive and high or dead and still around would make much of a difference.”

“But hypothetically,” Allison sat forward, “you could save Ben?”

Klaus looked to Ben, his eyes wide as he waited with baited breath. Ben didn’t enjoy being dead dead dead. He’d let Klaus know that over and over and over again. Not that Klaus blamed him, he didn’t particularly say he _enjoyed_ being dead dead dead. To him it was now a fact of the universe. But he’d still had his body, he’d made a stupid mistake and paid for it, his story was not Ben’s story.

Ben was far too young when he died.

RIP The Horror.

_RIP Ben._

RIP Dave.

RIP him.

~~RIP Five~~.

Klaus had ignored the crying he’d heard in the night as he and Dave didn’t sleep (the dead may have eternal slumber but that doesn’t mean they sleep). He’d heard his sisters crying, some of his brothers, other brothers letting out their frustration through different means. 

Crying in bedrooms at night wasn’t new in the Academy. 

Crying in bedrooms at night because Klaus was dead dead dead and hadn’t told them of his status; however, was.

Klaus had also spent the night Not Crying over Dave’s death.

Crying ~~or Not Crying~~ over a death just like the rest of his siblings.

“I can’t,” Five said, tearing Klaus away from his thoughts. “I can’t save Ben.”

Ben shrugged, seemingly unbothered by this. But Klaus knew that later he’d have to track him down and, _ugh_ , talk about his feelings. How gross. They’d been sharing so much lately and Klaus was getting tired of it. He felt like he was bleeding, having to share all of his secrets with his family, his feelings. 

A stab wound that never closed.

Ha! He’s got one of those.

He ducked his head into Dave’s neck to hide his smirk at the thought. They were discussing Ben’s death, not a time to amuse himself. Not in front of his judgemental family. (They wouldn’t find the stab wound joke very funny. Why did only Dave find him funny now? He was still _hilarious_ , thank you very much.)

“Tell Five it’s fine,” Ben said pointedly. “Sadly I’ve almost been dead for longer than I’ve been alive. I remember more of it, certainly. No memories of the first years of my life afterall.” Ben shrugged. Dead 14 years, alive for 17. They’d have to have a celebration when he reached the 17 years of being a ghostie when that came up.

“Ben says it’s chill. He gets it. No blame game for not saving him. Alas, due to my rules this means you can’t save me either. Us deadies need to stick together. Solidarity, my man!” Klaus reached out to a fist bump with Ben who rolled his eyes and mimicked one back. 

Ben ghosted through Klaus’s hand as per usual.

But apparently Klaus had made Ben visible when he’d forced Dave to haunt his body.

Maybe he’d be able to do that again so the rest of the fam could talk to Ben without Klaus being in the middle. He may have been Number Four but he wasn’t the middle child.

He was the baby.

While his body no longer aged, his mind did. So was he like Five? Five who was 58 but in a 13 year old body? Was he 29 in a 28 year old body? Ben 29 in no body? Or was he and Dave stuck at 28 together, forever. (Or until Klaus gets them out of their corpses.)

He’d lived longer than he thought he would.

Each year he made it to a birthday he was surprised. Not always pleasantly. Ben was always pleasantly surprised though. 

And then Klaus OD’d and didn’t come back, not all the way.

Now Dave was the same as Klaus. Died _for_ Klaus. 

“At least you didn’t say it was solidarity with corpses,” Ben rolled his eyes.

Klaus gasped, _“I would never._ You don’t have a corpse, Ben.” He paused and then added, “I mean you do. But it’s in the ground and rotted. RIP your body, buddy.”

“Klaus!” Allison scolded.

Klaus turned his gaze to her, “No. I’m dead too. You can’t scold me for being mean. That’s homophobic. _And ableist.”_

Dave chuckled. Klaus felt his laugh through his chest as he was plastered to his back. It was a miracle that Dave was still around to laugh at Klaus's jokes. A miracle that Klaus made happen. Daddy always said he had potential. “Ableist? What’s this about you having eight legs then?”

“Spiderist then,” Klaus nodded. “Don’t be rude to me and my spider brethren.”

“You aren’t a spider,” Five sighed deeply, as if it pained him.

“You don’t know what I am,” Klaus argued back childishly. “I can be a spider if I want.”

Luther cleared his throat and turned to Five, “Any leads on the end of the world?”

“Just a dead end,” Five frowned. 

“Ooh!” Klaus clapped his hands, “if it’s a dead end can I keep it?”

“What? _No,_ ” Five said, refilling his coffee.

“Why not? It’s a dead end and I know a thing or two about those,” Klaus let out a chuckle that he cut off quickly when he saw everyone look away as if it hurt them. Dave wrapped his arms around Klaus. A moment ago it was Klaus wrapped around Dave to keep him safe, now it was Dave taking his turn to be his armor.

Dave had taken far too many bullets for Klaus already.

“You don’t need a prosthetic eye, Klaus,” Five sighed.

Diego groaned, “Of course you want it.”

“What does that mean?” Vanya asked.

“Our dearly departed brother has a trunk full of prosthetics. Not just spare legs,” Diego locked eyes with Klaus. “Which as a reminder: is in an alley that they live in.”

“He wasn’t living in the alley, I was,” Dave smirked, beating Klaus to his usual joke. “And now neither of us are living there.”

“Too right,” Klaus agreed. “And now I think the plan is to stay here for a bit; isn’t that right, _rossignol_?”

“Sure is, nightingale.”

“Could we stop with the jokes about you being dead?” Allison asked wearily. Vanya nodded along with her. “We’re happy you’re still here, of course we are. But we’re also mourning you, Klaus. You died and we didn’t know and it’s hard to process the fact when you’re still here talking to us as if nothing happened. You don’t know what it’s like for us as we go through this.”

Klaus tilted his head, frowning deeply, “I don’t know what it’s like? To mourn someone while they’re still around?” He let out a hollow laugh, “I know better than you do.”

“What do you mean?” Vanya asked.

“Wow,” Dave muttered. “Now I feel like a ghost. Unseen and forgotten.”

“Tell me about it,” Ben agreed.

“Well for starters I’ve had Ben haunting me since he died,” Klaus looked over to his brother who winked at him. “Showed up at his funeral and everything. So excuse you for thinking you’re the only ones who have had to mourn someone when they’re still around. You think Ben ever left me to my own devices? Shit, he didn’t trust me and he stayed and babysat. Kept the baby alive for a good sixteen years without a break from mommy or daddy so good job, Benji.” Klaus then looked back to his other siblings who were looking ashamed for forgetting Ben. “Second, like, hello? Dave literally died _in my arms_ , oh how long ago was that _rossignol_? Oh yes, it was _yesterday._ ”

“I--” Allison started. “I’m sorry, Klaus. You’re right.”

“It’s fine,” Klaus sighed. “It’s big news for you all.”

“Would you have told us?” Vanya asked slowly. “About being dead if-- if you didn’t have to?”

Klaus shrugged, “Not really, no. It wasn’t the plan.”

“Why not?” Vanya pressed.

“As Allison said, I’m still here. Doesn’t seem to matter much in the long run. After this I figured we’d go back to our separate ways. Not like Reggie’s death is going to make us be a family again. We’d all go our separate ways and wouldn’t see each other until the next funeral. RIP Pogo.”

Dave gasped, clearly distraught by the idea, “You think he’s next?”

“He’s lived a lot longer than normal chimps already,” Klaus said. 

“We gotta have him marry us ASAP,” Dave said.

“It’s not like Pogo is on death’s door,” Diego muttered.

Five turned his gaze to Dave, “David, you may be dead now and you think you’re safe from me, but if you hurt Klaus don’t think I can’t kill you all over again.”

“Valid,” Dave agreed with a nod. “I expect nothing less.”

“He’s not going to hurt me,” Klaus sighed.

“Hasn’t he already?” Five tilted his head. “Dying in your arms?”

Klaus pressed himself further in Dave’s grasp who held on tighter, “Rude much? Blaming Davey for his death?”

“You should be glad I’m forgiving him for that. But he did it to save you and I can understand that,” Five replied. “But the threat remains. Should Dave hurt you Klaus, I want you to come to me and I will _fix it_.”

Ben let a whistle, “Man I wish he’d been around back when you were alive.”

“Any certain people in mind?” Dave asked Ben. “I’d like to pay them a visit.”

Klaus groaned, “God, you both are going to gossip about me now that you can talk freely aren’t you?”

“Always, but right now just wanting a list of people who hurt you,” Dave said. “Nothing wrong with that.”

“I’ll help track them down after I save the world,” Five gave a nod in agreement with Dave’s unsaid plan, being able to follow the conversation enough to know what Ben and Dave were discussing. 

“What is the plan to save the world?” Luther asked. “Since your eye is a dead end? Should we have Klaus talk to dad? He was always saying we were going to save the world.”

“I always thought that he said that to scare us into doing the dishes,” Five said thoughtfully. 

“Again: I won’t be conjuring him,” Klaus said. “Nope, nada, no. Not on the agenda today. Today’s agenda is maybe to get our stuff from the alley, track down Pogo, get married. Y’know? Normal everyday things that don’t include talking to daddy dearest.”

“With Hazel and Cha Cha’s briefcase I can go to my previous employer’s homebase and find out more information there. Once I find out what _causes_ the apocalypse it will be as easy as going back early enough to put a stop to it,” Five said. 

“Hm. So me getting kidnapped is helping save the world? That’s cool. I’ll have to put that on my resume,” Dave said. 

“David J. Katz. Hardware store employee. Veteran. Corpse. Helped save the world,” Klaus said thoughtfully. “I’d hire you.”

“Aw, thanks nightingale,” Dave kissed Klaus’s cheek. “What job you hiring me for?”

“Well, I always thought I could go into business with Tammi-without-a-y. She’ll tell fortunes, I’ll do some palm reading,” Klaus said.

“You can talk to the dead,” Diego said. “And you don’t know how to read palms.”

“You don’t know my skills,” Klaus shot back.

“Wanna read my palm?” Dave held his hand out. Klaus took it and whispered his fingers over the palm, following the lines. “What’s my future?”

“Hmm? A long and wonderful death with me by your side,” Klaus kissed his palm. “Honestly I didn't need to read your palm to know that, _rossignol_ but I did want to hold your hand.”

Dave turned Klaus around so they were face to face, “We should find Pogo and see if he will marry us.”

“We really should,” Klaus agreed.

They shared a smile and a heated gaze.

It was really hot, in Klaus’s humble opinion. Two smokin’ corpses talking about how much they love each other? A dream come true.

If, y’know, Klaus could dream still.

Alas, death took away dreams as well as some other _fun activities_. Like drugs and sex.

“And I need to leave before these two decide to have some _private time_ here in the kitchen,” Five said, blinking away.

“What did he mean by that?” Luther asked.

“I don’t know if-- _can they_ still have sex?” Diego wondered quietly. “They’re dead.”

“What do you mean sex?” Luther’s voice was raised. 

“Wait, that shirt of mine you said Dave took after his got messy--” Diego started.

Klaus grabbed Dave’s hand and started pulling him out of the room, “Yeah, thanks for that! Free clothes after his got _dirty_! Gotta love it.” He winked as they left.

They wandered around some, keeping an eye out for Pogo. He seemed to have made himself scarce. But Klaus was okay with that, they could take their time finding him. The wedding wasn’t planned yet anyway.

_The wedding._

God. To think that Klaus was going to marry Dave. He’d said they could pretend to be engaged, never expecting for it to become real. That Dave _actually_ loved Klaus like that. Klaus halted their movements, not letting go of Dave’s hand. “You’re not uh, wanting to marry me because now that you’re dead dead dead that you think no one else will have you, right?”

Dave looked at him with so much sadness in his eyes. Probably because Klaus was right in his thinking. He didn’t _actually love_ Klaus. No one could. Klaus sure didn’t. 

Dave could only love him as a friend would because no one, _no one_ could love a dead thing like him.

Klaus could love dead things. He grew up surrounded by them, they were his norm. He could love Dave, love Ben. But he’d had practice. Someone who’s life wasn’t steeped in death? Even if they were now dead dead dead? 

The power of love wasn’t that strong that it could overcome _death_.

“Klaus,” Dave said softly. He put his free hand under Klaus’s chin to make sure he had his full attention. “I know we’re doing this romance thing out of order but _I really want to marry you._ I don’t care if we don’t get Pogo to do the ceremony. If we go to the courthouse and sign papers or have a large extravagant ceremony. What matters is when you stole those rings for us and I got down on one knee, _it was never fake for me._ My intentions this week was to woo you and make you see how much I love you and realize that our fake engagement could be a real one. I’d follow you to the end of the earth; whether that is a few days from now or decades in the future.”

Klaus smiled, knowing that if he could, he’d have tears in his eyes as he did so, “Well let's hope for the decades on then, hmm?”

“No _til death do us part_. I’m in this for the long haul,” Dave pulled Klaus’s cold dead hand up and kissed it with his cold dead lips. “And if you need, I’ll remind you every day until the end of the world that I love you and there is nowhere else I’d rather be than by your side.”

“Nowhere?” Klaus smirked, clicking his tongue. “You need to live a little _rossignol_.”

“No can do,” Dave pulled him close. “But not to be dramatic, _I’d die for you nightingale._ ”

Klaus lightly hit him on the arm, “Asshole.”

Dave hummed in agreement. “You _love_ it.”

“I do,” Klaus said. “Christ help me, I do.”

“I don’t think he has anything to do with it,” Dave said.

“I assure you, _it’s all you, Davey,_ ” Klaus said. “It’s all you.”

Dave rested his forehead against Klaus’s, _“Nah._ My point-of-view? It’s all you, nightingale. It’s always been you.”

**Author's Note:**

> cowgaykermit @ tumblr


End file.
